


Fingerprints on Clay

by DefCYJ



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Im Jaebum | JB, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Insecure Choi Youngjae, M/M, Overthinking, Sad with a Happy Ending, Shameless Smut, Smut, Top Choi Youngjae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:40:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27230617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefCYJ/pseuds/DefCYJ
Summary: Youngjae didn't want to go to the little pottery atelier again but his friends and his heart had other plans.
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB
Comments: 32
Kudos: 53





	1. a chaste traces of you and me together

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beeseven](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beeseven/gifts).



> I don't know what this is again but I hope someone will enjoy it.
> 
> Sarah 💕 I know it's a little to late to gift it to you but you helped me so much with you words so please take this Story as a thank you until I finished the other one for you 💕 thank you for being so sweet and super precious and I hope you know that your Support means alot to me

"It was a total mess. Eunjung pulled Areum's hair, Donghyun and Seoyeon painted each other's faces and Heejin nearly tore down all the ceramic figures they had painted and... I'm glad my class was the only one in the atelier. At least the other three children could behave...” Youngjae sighed and tousled his hair before he continued with the resume about the exhausting school trip he had yesterday. 

“God, I can never go there again even if I liked the place so much," he whined out while he covered his face with his hands, pictures of screaming and crying kids flashed in front of his inner eyes, sending a shiver down his spine by the thought of it. He loved children with all his heart or else he wouldn't have chosen to be a teacher but his current class just was the worst he ever had in his career. 

One month and a half had passed since he started to teach art and music at Sunflower Preschool in Gangnam. He previously taught at a small school on the outskirts of Seoul until he had to change his workplace due to his huge rent increase and salary cuts. Of course, Youngjae didn’t want to leave his old job, it had been so hard to say goodbye to all of his cute little monsters there. But more rent and less money didn’t fit together pretty well especially when you lived in an expensive capital city like Seoul. 

He had loved to work at the school a little outside of the city where the people were much calmer than here. And he had loved the children from his class so much that he was truly willed to look for another place to live. But Seoul wasn't very friendly when you needed to find a new home to live in in a short amount of time so there wasn’t much he could do to avoid terminating his contract. 

The memory of the loss of his old class was still hurting him a lot. All of them had been lovely, attentive, willing to learn and fun to teach. Exact the opposite from the kids he had to work with now. Little rich kids with a different kind of manners than he was used to. 

At least he had the chance to work there again if he wanted since he was an excellent teacher in his boss’s eyes. But Youngjae knew that he and his friends would be a little sad about the distance and the awfully long tube rides which would make it even harder to meet if he would move there.

"That sounds horrible,” Jinyoung said and took Youngjae's hand into his to give his friend some brotherly comfort. "Honestly, I don't know how you survive to be a teacher these days. It feels like the kids get worse and worse with each generation. We weren’t the loveliest kids as well but…" 

"Yup, sounds exhausting but can we come back to the good looking guy you mentioned?" Jackson said and laughed as everyone rolled their eyes at his words that filled the slightly tense atmosphere with a much lighter mood instead. "Ahhh come one, I'm just thinking about Youngjae’s wellbeing here," he pouted and wiggled with his eyebrows teasingly afterward before he got his phone out of his pants. "What did you say was the place called?" 

"Colorful Black" Yugyeom brought out quickly with beaming eyes, proud of himself that he was the first one who remembered the strange name of the little pottery atelier in the middle of Itaewon. "Seriously what does it even mean?" he sighed and focused back on playing with the napkin next to his blue cup that was filled with hot chocolate. 

"Ahhh, found it and... damn I found him" Jackson jelled out in excitement after he had found it on Naver, covering his mouth as he remembered they were sitting in one of the hip but crowded coffee shops in Myeongdong.  
"Damn he's hot but I would never think he is your type?" Jackson now mumbled surprised and zoomed into the picture, probably counting all the piercings the guy had in his face and on his ear. 

Jinyoung snatched the phone out of his hands, taking a closer look at the boy in the picture as well. His eyes widening noticeably as he finally got the chance to lay his eyes on the person they were gushing about. "Baby can you cover your ears for a second?" he asked and looked over to his boyfriend next to him. "He's pretty good looking… damn maybe in my next life..." he mumbled out, whining immediately as Yugyeom slapped him with a pout on his adorable face. "What do you mean in your next life huh?" 

Jinyoung looked at him with an apologizing face and kissed his cheek gently to calm his partner down, knowing that this kind of affection always worked wonders on him. "I'm sorry Baby. I know we will meet there too, it was just a dumb joke." He whispered and squeezed Yugyeom's hand tenderly before he placed a gentle kiss on his cute nose.

"Oh God, why are you so in love with each other. I will die from a sugar shock if I have to listen to your sweet-talking any longer," Jackson interrupted the couple and threw his hands in the air like the little drama queen that he was sometimes. "It's not easy to enjoy the single life when you have friends like this." he sighed and leaned onto his arm, pouting as he looked over to the pair in love. "But back to the main topic: getting Youngjae laid. When do we go there to check him out? We need Youngjae to get some action… Didn’t you say he was kind of flirty with you?" 

"W- What? Why… maybe he’s like that with everyone" He stuttered and looked down at his hands with a blushed face, already guessing where this would lead to. He didn't need some action. He had enough action at his current job with these screaming kids and thinking about going out with someone just made him stressed by the pure thought of it. "My job is so stressful at the moment Jackson. I'm happy If I can just lie down and do nothing." 

“Well, HE looks like he would do his job perfectly fine, so you can lie there as well without doing much while he does the work for you. Sounds like a win-win situation to me.” Yugyeom said as he pointed at Jackson’s phone and nudged his friend while they started to giggle all together. All of them except for Youngjae of course. 

"Are you on Jackson’s side as well? Seriously, I don’t need action and I'm totally fine without someone." He brought out between gritted teeth, slowly getting a little annoyed about this stupid topic. He knew they just wanted the best for him but sometimes they could be a little too much, especially Jackson with his helping-syndrome that seemed very pronounced when it came to him. As if he was the youngest of their group and not Yugyeom or as if he wouldn't have his life together just because he wasn’t in a relationship.

He looked at his friends in disbelief as all of them rolled their eyes at the same time. "Sure, if you say so..." they chirped in unison and Youngjae wondered if it's because they are friends for so long that they became so alike. Jinyoung, Jackson and he have been childhood friends since kindergarten while Yugyeom joined their trio later in high school, finding his place between them quickly without having to fear to be left out even when he joined much later. 

They knew everything about each other and (unfortunately) he couldn't hide anything in front of them even if he wanted to. Not even the smallest secret was safe from them. It's been an easy game for them since Youngjae was pretty helpless in lying so he couldn't be all too mad about it when it was his own fault for being such an open book for his closest ones. But he wished they wouldn't try to set him up with everyone he mentioned. His mom already did this job all the time and one of them was clearly enough to make his blood boil in anger. 

"Just because he looks good doesn't mean I want to date him" he gave back and sipped on his iced coffee to hide his embarrassment and growing annoyance. He tried to think of another subject they could talk about to change their topic but unfortunately, his mind couldn't think of something strong enough to distract Jackson from his plans to find a suitable (sex) partner for him.

“You don't have to date him, you can have a little fun as a stress release. People do that, you know?" Jackson said and wiggled his stupid eyebrows again. Youngjae wanted to be mad at him for putting his nose into his (nonexisting) sex life but he couldn't be mad at his best friend when was looking at him with those huge puppy eyes. 

"Who knows if he’s even gay…" Youngjae sighed and leaned his head on his palm as he played with the ice cubes in his glass. Yes, maybe the sexy pottery guy flirted with him but maybe it was just his normal behavior and they interpreted something into his actions that weren’t there. And he would rather have no action in his bedsheets than asking a straight guy out. His confidence wasn’t super low but it wasn’t made for taking the first step and he wouldn't change it for just some pretty nice smiles and an ‘I do single lessons as well’ while holding his hand a little longer than needed.

"Well let's go there and find out," Jackson said excitedly and pulled Youngjae out of his thoughts with his loud voice. He loved Jackson’s enthusiasm for such small things and the urge to get things started rather than just to talk about it but today he wasn’t in the mood for them nor to spend his precious weekend somewhere else than on his comfortable couch.

Before Youngjae could say something to stop his best friend, he saw how Jackson pressed the call bottom and lifted the phone against his ear. Jackson’s face lit up with every second that went by but for him, with every ringing sound that came out of the speakers, his throat felt tighter and tighter. 

"Hello my name is Wang, I would be interested in a workshop at your atelier,” Jackson said happily and smiled brightly at him while he just felt like he was about to puke right onto the table. "When would you be free for four people? Ohhhh, some guests canceled and now you are free for today? Well if that's not good timing. Please wait a moment, I have to check something." 

The unwell feeling spread in his body as Jackson looked at him with wide eyes, covering the speaker with his hand to talk comfortably. The blood was rushing in his ears while he tried to gulp down the lump in his throat. Why did he mention the guy in the first place? Maybe because the said guy was pretty good looking but still, he cursed at himself for telling them when he knew just too well how it would end. 

"So, what are your plans for tonight? He said he would be free at five so enough time to go there. I'm sooo excited. Doesn't it scream that it's a sign?" Jackson blabbered out while his gaze wandered between them. His two romantic friends followed to nod glowingly by these dumb words and Youngjae already inwardly said goodbye to his drama-binging-day, knowing it wouldn't change something if he would say no to them. 

"Yes, it is. Come on Youngjae you don't have something planned, don't you? It's better than sitting at home and crying about another cheesy drama." Yugyeom said and looked at him with adorable puppy eyes, knowing it would be hard for him to say no. "Spend your time with uuuus…." he whined and Youngjae's heart and voice became a lot softer immediately.

"Okay, okay… but please don't make it worse for me than it was with these kids yesterday..." he sighed out and shook his head in disbelief about his own stupidness. Watching dramas isn’t better than embarrassing himself? He wasn’t sure about that but now there was no turning back for him since he knew Jackson wouldn’t give up when he had a set goal in front of his mind, especially when it was "Youngjae's Happiness".

Youngjae’s stomach still felt unwell as Jackson continued to set their appointment for today. But also, a little spark of curiosity found a way into his head as his mind wandered back to the pretty looking guy from yesterday. He couldn't deny that he wouldn't be a bit happy to see the other one again. Not because he was interested. He wasn’t, for real. But the owner of the atelier was the most stunning person he had ever seen, even with the little mullet that grew on the back of his head in long fuzzy stripes. 

He still could see his beautiful features in front of his inner eyes. The picture of the other’s face never really left his mind since he had stepped out of the atelier yesterday. He was glad that he didn’t haunt him in his dreams since he felt already pretty stupid to think about him so much when he had just seen him twice by now. He was too old by now to be so shaken by a man's beauty like this. ‘I’m in his thirties and not a teen anymore so get your shit together’, he thought, trying to get rid of unnecessary thoughts that filled his mind.

But the sharp structure of his face with his prominent cheekbones, his perfect nose, the delicately curved cupid bow of his kissable looking lips, the two little twin moles above his wonderfully warm and brown eyes that sparkled whenever he smiled just made his heart rate go up. He could go on like this forever but, no, he wasn’t interested. He just liked art and the other’s face and body were like one of these captivating statues you could find in a museum.

And it wasn't like the other one would fit into his life anyway. Youngjae was just a boring preschool teacher who liked to watch cheesy dramas while cuddling with a pillow on his sofa and not someone he thought the other one would find interesting due to his artsy charisma and his grungy looking style to dress. 

Since his three lovely friends were too excited to sit calmly any longer, they quickly paid and made their way out of the crowded and stuffed café. Youngjae wasn’t in a hurry, knowing they had enough time to walk there comfortably but his friends took quick steps which he could follow just with heavy breaths and some side stitches rising. Even Jacksons short legs were faster than his ones so he really must be pretty excited to go there.

Blabbering and laughs scratched on the surface of his thoughts but Youngjae couldn't mind them much as he walked now a little behind them on their way to the atelier. Puddles and fallen leaves pathed their way as they walked through the autumn color kissed city. The season could be so pretty and beautiful when the sun was shining brightly on the red and yellow leaves on the trees. 

When Ginko trees painted the sidewalks in a sunny yellow he couldn’t stop himself from collecting some of the picturesque leaves with his kids, pressing them in one of his thick books just to use them to create another bookmark in his classes. It’s not like he didn't like this time of the year but when the weather was gray like today, his mind and thoughts became as gray as the dark clouds above.

It still annoyed him pretty much that everyone thought he was unhappy without a partner. He was happy and he enjoyed his life more than he did when he was trapped in his past relationship with a controlling man by his side. 

Youngjae was just the type to stay at home by himself rather than going out to party in stuffed clubs or to hike on the highest hill in Seoul, especially on a rainy autumn day like this. At least his friends should understand him since they knew him better than his own mother who couldn’t stop judging him for being so introverted. It’s not like he was different when he was younger. He always had been like this, having it from his father who was calmly living in his own little world as well.

Of course, he was happy to spend time with his friends since meet-ups of all of them together like these were rare but he couldn't understand why everyone wanted to push him into dates and relationships when nobody asked about his opinion in the first place. 

Youngjae’s hands rested in the pockets of his gray coat as they walked through the streets to reach their destination, pulling the light fabric tighter around his body as a light drizzle started to fall down on them. Unfortunately, he had missed his umbrella at home so he had to walk without a shelter to hide while his hair got a little curlier in the rain.

His friends were talking cheerfully and loud but Youngjae could just listen and smile here while he was trying to get into a better mood. He didn’t want to kill the fun and casual atmosphere but he wasn’t looking forward to his friends trying to get him a date. But maybe he should see it as quality time with his best buds and nothing more. Pottery painting was pretty much fun and quite relaxing for him. That's why he had chosen it for the kids yesterday so instead, he should be happy about a new cup and not think too much about it. At least he was trying to see it in that way. 

He came back to reality as he felt the light pat on his shoulder, looking up at the warm and gentle eyes of Jinyoung who just smiled at him apologetically. “Don’t worry I will hold Jackson back if it gets too much. Let’s just paint some friendship coffee cups or something else and then we will leave okay?” 

Jinyoung knew him too well and Youngjae was more than grateful to have someone who knew how to hold Jackson’s enthusiasm back. He just nodded, smiling at him reassuring before they entered the cozy-looking atelier. The familiar bell was ringing above them as they stepped into the warmth of the room. His heart was starting to beat faster by the growing excitement and fear in his chest. He tried to calm down immediately but it was easier said than done.

The place was quieter than yesterday. Now that there weren’t any little kids which filled the room with their laughs and noises. Youngjae peeled himself out of his thin but cozy coat and hung it next to the ones of his friends before he walked over to the counter where everyone else was while Youngjae’s heart skipped a stupid beat as he accidentally locked eyes with the pretty man across from him.

God, was he even more beautiful than yesterday? He thought, cheeks getting slightly blushed right away. He wasn’t sure why he found him so attractive but the pottery guy looked so damn good even in a totally inconspicuous black hoodie and baggy fitted pants while his hair was slightly tousled as if he woke up some minutes ago. It made him actually pretty cute. 

Youngjae felt the nudge on his shin as they held eye contact longer than it was necessary. He didn’t notice that his dear friend was completely forgotten by the other as soon as their eyes had met, making him forget how to breathe properly for a second while the warm eyes still rested on him. 

"I see you enjoyed your stay here yesterday?" The other asked and gifted him an honest smile which made his heartbeat embarrassingly fast with just such a little gesture. Stop, stop, stop. He didn’t want that. 

"I hope my friends will behave better than the kids yesterday but yes… it was fun…" he said and looked down at his feet, not daring to look in the warm orbs any longer or to look in his friend's curious faces. He didn't notice the piercing gaze from Jackson nor did he see the smile from the other who was looking at him with a soft expression. 

The tension left the air and his bones as the owner showed them their table right beside the huge window next to the entrance which filled the room with soft daylight. It was the best place in the whole room in his opinion, so he was more than glad that they could sit there even if the weather outside wasn’t that good. A sunny day would have been better to enjoy the view outside but it was warm in here and the air wasn't stale so he didn't want to complain all too much.

His eyes followed the guy as he changed the little reservation plate from their table to another one in the back of the room, leaving Youngjae wondering if it was just a mistake or if they got the better place on purpose. But he didn’t want to think about it all too much and he was relieved that no one else seemed to notice beside him. 

After they got their small briefing about different techniques, the colors, and everything else they had to know, all of them went over to the huge shelf with the different plates, cups, and all kinds of figures. It had been a pain in the ass yesterday. Eight kids who nearly fought physically over the last little bird baby figure when there were so many cute other animals as well. 

A little he could understand them, not the fighting but Youngjae was also overwhelmed by the huge selection he was standing in front. Making decisions wasn't his strongest trait, especially when all of the animals were super cute and the cups and plates would be useful too. But still, the bird with the huge eyes, cubby body, and a worm in his beak wouldn’t have been his first choice when cute dogs and bunnies were also an option.

It took him a little longer to decide which one he would choose, stressing about which would be the most useful or suitable for his flat. His eyes were resting on the cutely looking otter before they skipped to the funny octopus and the adorable looking cat figure. Unfortunately, all of them weren’t an opinion in this case, so sooner or later he had to set for one. 

Jinyoung and Yugyeom decided for muesli bowls, already imagining themself on their breakfast table, eating their cereals and fruits out of a bowl they painted themselves. It warmed his heart to see his friends being in love like this and the way they looked at each other made his heart clench but he couldn't deny that he felt a little jealous even if he was happy for them. Of course, he wanted something like this as well but his past relationship was still looming over him like a dark and heavy shadow, making him shiver by the pure thought of going through this again. 

He shook his head and banished the thoughts out of his mind, smiling warmly as he saw Jackson trying to choose which size would be perfect for his cup. An extra-large and a medium-sized cup were shaking under his straining gaze as he tried to figure out which one would be the best for him. “If I choose the huge one, I don’t have to get up every ten minutes to get another one but the coffee gets cold quickly so a smaller one would be better right?” he mumbled to himself before he still went for the extra-large cup instead. 

The bitter black liquid was Jackson's main food at the moment due to his tight schedule at work and it made Youngjae worry a lot about his friend's health but they already talked about it in a calm minute and he had promised him to take care of himself, so he tried not to worry all too much while keeping an eye on him as the mom-type-friend that he was.

"Can I help you?" Someone asked behind him, making him flinch with the sudden approach. A slight smell of tobacco filled his nose but it wasn’t as disgusting as it usually was for him.

"Unfortunately, I can't decide which one I like the most," he said quietly, his cheeks changing into a slightly rosy color as he looked into the pretty guy’s orbs. Their eyes locked again as if they were magnets that couldn’t be separated, pulling him into their spell while his lungs caged his breath tightly. 

"Do you have a pet or do you like to drink tea? Cups and animals are the most chosen ones." the other said in a warm tone while his eyes rested on him with a gentle expression, his hands tucked comfortably in the pockets of his gray pants.

"I… have a dog, her name is Coco, but she is white like snow so…" 

A little smile was growing on the other on his lips, followed by a slow nod while he looked at him curiously. He was about to open his mouth again as Youngjae didn’t give him a chance to say what he wanted to say. It wasn’t the nicest gesture to interrupt someone but the awkward-feeling conversation was already enough for him.

"I will just take the coffee mug" he answered quickly and grabbed the cup right next to the other’s face with a swift motion which made the soft hair waft slightly. With shaking legs he walked back to his chair, an audible sigh leaving his lips as he plopped down on the cozy soft pillow. 

Fortunately, he could shake off his nervousness real quick when a heated discussion about who would be the worst painter had started on their table. With strained faces, they started to paint their pottery while blabbering about everything that came into their minds. It was pretty relaxing after he had finally calmed his nerves down, actually enjoying their little hang out at the atelier fully while he drew Coco's fluffy face and pink flowers on a light yellow underground. 

“I thought mullets are already out again… What do you think, should let one grow as well?” Yugyeom asked as he followed Youngjae's gaze when he had thought he was looking inconspicuous. Yugyeom got a loud “NO” from all of them in return which was followed with laughs and criticisms from his boyfriend. They excused themselves quickly about their loudness with tomato red faces before they continued to talk a bit quieter since the room was now stuffed with other guests around them. 

After their arrival half an hour ago more guests had found the way into the little studio. Mostly young and pretty girls but also another couple and a lovely group of older ladies found the way in here as well.

The quietness from before was now filled with laughs and noises but even though they tried to hold back, it was Youngjae's laugh and Jackson's voice that filled the room the most. But whenever his eyes met with the owners’ ones, a gentle smile was playing around his lips, making him look even prettier than before.

“He is definitely the only one on this planet who can wear a mullet and still look so stunning,” Jackson said and looked over to the man they were talking about. Youngjae just nodded while his gaze was plastered onto the owner of the atelier again. He looked away quickly as the other was looking him right into the eyes, feeling embarrassed to be caught like this so many times today. 

Their heated conversation about the good looking guy, his face piercing and mullet fell silent as said person walked over to them, asking if they needed any help or if they were fine. It was pretty obvious that they had talked about him but the other one didn't seem to notice or he just didn't care at all. Maybe because he was already used to it with his appearance, he guessed slightly bugged since the table with pretty girls next to them kept flirting with him pretty noticeable since they had arrived.

Youngjae's gaze followed him again as he walked out onto the little terrasse on the back of the atelier which looked like a cozy place to rest even on a cloudy day like this. There were cozy blue striped chairs around a small table with a wild-looking flower bouquet on top, which seemed as if it was picked on a meadow by himself. The whole place was decorated with different kinds of plants, making it look even cozier while he noticed other small details like fairy lights and flower-shaped lamps that illuminated him in such a soft way. Even vines fully draped with grapes grew there and Youngjae wondered if it was him who had decorated the place like this or if it was a pretty girlfriend who made the place this cozy. 

The cup in his hand and the paint on his brush that dripped down on the table were completely forgotten while his eyes were still plastered on the man that was standing outside. It wasn't even inconspicuous the way he was watching him, but luckily his friends were too focused on their doings for them to notice his staring.

Something about the other and the way he put the cigarette between his lips and lighted it up was somehow magical and pulled him under a spell even if he was quite disgusted by smoking people. Youngjae would have scolded his closest friends or family members immediately, getting them back to their senses to quit this stupidness. But the way the white smoke left the others’ lips and rose into the dark sky while his eyes were closed as if the burning smoke was actually enjoyable, made him look so unbelievably beautiful that Youngjae was unable to take his eyes off him. 

“I can ask him…. If he's single and about his type.” Jackson mumbled to him with an honest smile on his face as he caught him staring again. “I know you think he’s just nice but for me, he seems like he's interested in you so if you want me to ask then I will do it. Seriously he ignored me the moment he saw you, I would be hurt if I was into guys as well.”

Youngjae couldn't suppress his giggles as he remembered the moment, his cheeks were filled with a warm sizzling feeling immediately. He sighed deeply before looking his friend deep into his warm almond-shaped eyes. “And I still think it’s just his normal self, so yeah go ahead, ask him and you will see that I'm right,” he muttered back in a daring tone, rolling his eyes annoyed before he finally focused back on the cup in his hands. 

As if the other one had sensed their conversation, he walked over to their table when he had finished his check on the other guests for their well being. The smell of tobacco was tickling in his nose again but also a flowery scent and fabric softener found the way into his nostrils. It wasn't as unpleasant as he thought, not that he had to care about it but still it wasn’t that bad. 

Youngjae didn’t want to but he just stared up at him. The paintbrush still rested in the air as he enjoyed the warmth filled voice that spread in his body just like a cozy cup of tea. The pleasant voice and the comfortable feeling that radiated from the other just made him wonder if his view of him was too prejudiced or if he truly was the way Youngjae thought he would be. 

“Earth to Youngjae. Hey, stop dreaming, do you want a peppermint tea as well?” Yugyeom asked him and nudged him under the table against his shin, making him flinch slightly as he felt the pain spreading on his leg. He just nodded at him, his heart fluttered as he heard the soft chuckling of the guy he had been staring at the whole time. It was such a nice sound, the way he laughed made him even more attractive. But no, he wasn’t...

“I’m sorry for the personal question but are you single?” Jackson asked with a pure smile on his face while his other friends just gasped for air at the bold question. Youngjae couldn’t breathe as he waited for the answer while the blood began to rush loudly through his ears again. He never thought Jackson would actually do it. He was direct that's for sure but asking him blunt like this? 

Youngjae turned around as he heard the girl next to him choking on her drink, gasping for air between coughs while she leaned closer to understand their words better. He felt sorry for the woman but he couldn't pity her for too long as he heard the “Yes, I’m single” from the other which made her gasp and squeal even more. 

‘That doesn’t mean a thing’ he thought and tried to focus back on his cup which wasn’t working well since his hands were shaking just slightly but enough to make it hard to continue with his doings. 

“And what’s your type? I’m Jackson by the way, nice to meet you. I hope I’m not too direct but now that we know each other's name right uhm …?” He said with a smile that made his eyes sparkle and held his hand out. 

“I'm Jaebeom, nice to meet you as well” he gave back while a smile grew on his pretty lips as he slowly shook his head, probably as fazed as everyone else who listened to their conversation. Seriously, just Jackson could ask questions like this without getting in trouble. Youngjae just knew too well about the power of his lovely smile and his warm puppy eyes since he fell for them so many times over the years. 

Youngjae felt the stares from the ladies at the neighbor table, making him blush as he realized the embarrassing situation even more. It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to this kind of attention since Jackson was always like this but it still made him a little nervous. 

“I hope I won’t hurt your feelings, Jackson. You are very pretty but… I prefer the shy ones who don't seem to notice that someone has their eyes on them,” Jaebeom said and Youngjae could feel his burning gaze that sent shivers down his spine, making his body feel hot and cold at the same time. He looked up just to make sure he was just imagining it but Jaebeom’s warm eyes were resting on him with a soft and gentle smile on his lips. 

“So, you like the cute ones with soft hair?” Jackson replied after he got over his rejection which probably still scratched his ego, his eyes resting on Youngjae now as well. 

Youngjae tried to ignore their conversation as much as he could while he felt how his ears were burning brightly with embarrassment. It was his own fault since he dared Jackson to ask him but he never thought it would turn out like this. He wanted to hear the other one was in a happy relationship and not words that made his mind spin even more. That wasn’t his plan nor did he like the warm feeling that spread in his body. 

"Mhm, not just the cute ones but the cute and pretty ones with soft cheeks and gentle eyes which seem so interesting and that make me wish to find out more about the person that hides behind them….” he gave back, his voice too gentle to come out of a cool guy like him.

“I have to use the bathroom.” Youngjae brought out quietly, his throat felt so tight that he wondered if it could be heard, not that he cared though, feeling too overwhelmed about the whole situation. 

He walked over to the toilet with quick steps, holding his breath inside until he was safe behind the doors of the small bathroom. His hands rested on the kitchen sink, heavy breaths filled the room as he tried to calm his body and mind down. That wasn’t what he had planned when he came here, he just wanted to have some fun and not a heart attack. No, he didn’t want to come here in the first place even if it had been fun until now.

He wasn’t mad at Jackson. He was rather mad at himself for daring him to ask such stupid things. He was mad at himself and his heart that was beating so fast in his chest while couldn’t get the stupid face from the other out of his head when he had looked at him just so gently. 

Youngjae splashed cold water into his face, trying to get rid of his bright red burning cheeks before he walked out of the room with more strength in his bones. It still wouldn't change his mind. There was nothing between them nor will there be something in the future. 

"Hey I'm sorry if it was too much for you,” Jaebeom said and looked at him with an apologizing expression while he scratched his neck nervously. "It's just that I would like to get to know you better… So maybe if you want to stay for a single lesson this time and we talk a bit? Think about it…. I'm free tonight or any other night." Youngjae could see the nervousness in his face as he looked at him with hoping eyes, making his belly tingle with a little excitement.

"Yeah, I will think about it thanks." he gave back quickly without giving the other just a glance before he walked over to their table again. As if he would stay here. He knew where this would lead and he wasn’t the type for adventures like this. This might happen in his dramas but not in real life, at least not for him.

Every one of his friends and the girls of the neighbor table was staring at him curiously as he plopped down on his chair with a heavy sigh. 

"He just asked if the kids from yesterday liked it here since he is planning to do more of these workshops for children." He said slightly annoyed and his friends didn't dare to ask another question. "You can ask him out ladies, go for it,” he said with a smile and hoped he would sound sincere enough for them to trust his words. 

He guessed that some women came here because of the chance to get his number so he didn't want to scare possible guests away just because of wrong assumptions. It seemed to work since the attention went back to gushing about his good looks again while he was completely ignored. 

"Did he really ask you about just that?" Yugyeom whispered quietly while he looked over to the table next to them, trying hard not to get their attention again. 

Youngjae shook his head and couldn't hide his smile as all of them met in the middle of the table to talk without everyone around to hear. "Please don't be mad at me but I will tell you about it later okay?" he gave back with an apologizing smile and focused on his mug again. 

They worked in silence afterward while Youngjae's head was filled with the debate about if he should stay after or not. But he decided against it, knowing that it would be best if he would just go home to spend his weekend like he wanted it to be in the first place. Sure, Jaebeom was attractive but it was enough for him to know someone like him was interested in him. He didn't need the other to find out how boring he was and that there weren’t interesting stories to tell. 

"Ohh so cute" Youngjae cooed happily while he inspected the cute bowls of his friends which were decorated with little pink peaches and bright yellow dots of dandelions. "I can't wait to see when they are ready to be used," he said and gave them back to the brightly smiling couple. Without all the unnecessary things in between, it was really a good idea to come here, even if it was a little turbulent in the middle. Everyone took something nice home that would remind them of their bond whenever they sipped a coffee or ate muesli in the morning to start their day. 

"Just look at this masterpiece my friends" Jackson announced with a bright smile as he showed them his soon bright red shining coffee mug with a little crown on it. Unfortunately, the colors were just dull at the moment but after their time in the oven, they would be all glossy and bright as he had taught the kids yesterday. Excitement was glowing on their faces, proudly looking at their work even if some parts of their paintings looked a little unpretty. A crooked peach here and there and Coco wasn’t always in her best shape he had to admit but he tried to ignore the failure as an art teacher this time, knowing it resulted from staring at a certain someone.

"Let's say we all won okay? We all did a very good job" Jinyoung said as they walked over to the counter to pay for their pottery, glowing happily about their keepsake from this day. Youngjae's heart felt warm as he saw the happy faces, feeling relieved that it didn’t go all too bad as he had feared in the beginning.

"It's on me, I will pay," Yugyeom said and smiled while he hugged all of them one after one another. "It was so much fun really, we should do it again." 

Youngjae just nodded and thanked his friend for paying while he already thought about a good occasion to pay him back. It was always like this in their group. One of them paid something just to be invited to something else soon after. It was a giving and taking and no one of them ever felt like they have too much or were treated unfairly. Just the best group of close ones he could imagine.

"I'm glad you guys had fun. It will take around one week until your cups and bowls are finished and you can take them home with you." Jaebeom said and gently placed their pottery on the little self with other mugs and figures that would go into the oven soon. 

There were some prettier bowls and cups than theirs, painted with wonderful flowers and colorful patterns but still, he was proud of their 'Masterpieces'. He decided he would use his own at work, reminding him of the good things in his life on exhausting days like yesterday. There was no doubt he would need this mug at work a lot.

Jaebeom’s eyes found him again and Youngjae’s heart was beating faster the moment their eyes met again, even if he already decided to end things before they even had a chance to start. Youngjae didn’t need an adventurous dude who would just turn his world upside down just to leave him on reading after he finally found out about his boring life. Nah, there was no need for that and he felt totally at ease by the thought, or at least he was trying to think that way until he would actually believe in it. 

Youngjae snuggled into his still slightly damp coat and sighed as he stepped out into the cold autumn air. His gaze wandered up to the green shining Namsan tower like he always did when he felt a little lost, somehow finding comfort in the glowing tower on the top of the mountain that had a wonderful view over the whole city. The drizzle had stopped but the air was still filled with the smell of rain and wet leaves that colored the gray pavement in a warm orange tint, making the dreary season a bit more bearable with the dips of colors between the gray.

Jinyoung was the last one who hugged him tightly to bid their goodbye since the three of his friends had the same direction for their way home. “Don’t look at me like that Jinyoung” he whispered into his ear, exactly knowing about the thoughts that filled his friends mind. He was just the same as him, always worrying about the wellbeing of his beloved ones. Maybe that's why he could talk with Jinyoung about his thoughts the best.

“I just want you to be happy and I know you are still hurt but you deserve some cuddles and kisses as well okay? You don’t have to tell me what he said but I know it wasn’t what you told these girls…” Jinyoung whispered while his head rested on Youngjae’s shoulder, holding him in a tight embrace while he stroked over his back.

Youngjae's body relaxed as he felt the warmth of his best friend, being more than grateful to have them even if it could be annoying with them from time to time. 

“But you, Jackson, and Yugyeom hug me all the time. That’s enough for me don't worry,” he gave back and patted Jinyoung’s head lovingly before he decreased the grip around his body slowly. 

“I know and we all love to shower you with kisses and love, but it’s not the same and you know that….” he said with a sigh and took Youngjae's hand into his warm ones before he continued. “I know it’s your decision and I respect that but maybe he's not that bad and maybe he's just a cheesy drama lover just as you and even if not… sometimes a little bit kissing with a pretty boy helps wonders to get through the grey weather.”

“Jinyoung… these words out of your mouth,” Youngjae mumbled while he cupped Jinyoung's cheeks just to place a little peck on his cheek soon after.  
“Thank you Jinyoungie... I will think about it, I promise.” 

Youngjae waved after them, jumping up and down when Jackson did the same to give him his usual air hugs and kisses while filling the night air with his expressions of love and his goodbyes. He was already used to these kinds of goodbyes so he didn’t mind the people that passed by and looked at them with a confused expression.

A heavy sigh left his lips again. The white smoke of his breath wavered in front of his eyes even without a cigarette, as he took another look up to his comforting green light in the dark. “What should I do mhm?” he mumbled into his scarf before his feet moved into the direction of his tube station down on the lively main street. Couples and laughing groups passed by as he walked all alone by himself, making him a little melancholic on this Saturday night as he had no one who would welcome him at home.

His steps became slower and slower until they finally stopped completely in their actions. “Fuck it” he mumbled into the dark night sky that was sparkling with little stars before he turned around and walked, nearly ran into the direction he just came from with quick steps. The cold air tickled against his exertion burning cheeks, the steep path made it hard for him to hold his pace, slowly getting out of breath as he made his way to the little alley. He nearly slipped on the wet leaves but it didn’t make him change his mind.

With a heavily beating heart and pain in his sides, he arrived back at the place he just came from. The little bell on the door was ringing again as he entered the still warm and cozy place that now was empty except for them. His steps came to a halt as his eyes found the brown and warm orbs of the other staring at him until a bright smile spread over his lips and found the way into Jaebeom’s eyes, making his warm orbs disappear behind his lids.

It would take his breath away if he wasn’t already out of air from his jog to come here again, blinded by the pure beauty of the other once again he felt how a tiny wave of confidence washed over him, making him braver than he had probably ever been.

“About your offer…. I would be interested.”


	2. burned deep to stay forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it's a bit too gentle but I'd like to believe they already knew they were meant to be <3
> 
> hope you enjoy

They changed to a smaller, open place around the corner after some sweet talking and gazing at each other with curious eyes. Their words came a little restrained and timidly left their lips due to the awkward situation for maybe both of them but Youngjae could feel the warm tickling on his skin as Jaebeom took his hand for the first time, slowly guiding him to the room where his workplace for his own creativity was, hidden for curious eyes from the outside. 

The room was just barely illuminated with light and Jaebeom was even more beautiful the way he was standing there in the soft light from the little glowing lamps that were shining on the terrasse, giving him a soft touch on his sharp features. Youngjae didn't need bright light to see his beauty, it was much cozier for him like this anyway and even more comfortable when Jaebeom dimmed the light while he still held his hand gently in his own. 

Youngjae wasn’t good at small talk but Jaebeom didn’t seem to mind about seconds or even minutes where they just stared at each other with hoping eyes and shy smiles. He could still feel the rough and raspy skin from the other against his own. His hands weren't as soft as Youngjae's but still, it had felt so good to feel his warmth and his small hand interlacing their fingers. 

They haven’t shared much about each other and Youngjae wasn’t even sure what to tell when their moment would just last tonight. He just knew about his work, that he lived in the house right over the studio and he found out that Jabeom’s eyes sparkled whenever he talked about something he loved. 

Jaebeom showed him his own work, his own creations, and Youngjae could just nod, mesmerized by all the art that was hidden there. Bowls, cups, and plates piled on shelves and tables. Different flowers, Ginko leaves, swirls and curls, all so delicately drawn by his hand in different colors and sizes and Youngjae couldn't decide which one was the prettiest. 

He had stared at the other, not believing his words that Jaebeom made them all of them by himself. But as he told him again how beautiful these works were and as he saw the timid smile on his face he knew that Jaebeom didn't lie to him. It was just one of those moments where they just stared at each other, smiling foolishly into each other's eyes. He hadn't been sure what to say so he didn’t nor did he want this moment to end and Jaebeoms smile to disappear.

Youngjae sat down with shaking legs, hoping the other wouldn't notice his nervousness all too much even if it was pretty obvious that he was. He sighed slightly as his bottom found its place on the wooden stool, gaining back the strength in his legs as he finally sat down on the uncomfortable chair. His gaze was focused on the throwing wheel in front of him. He didn't know where to look else because he knew if he would lay his eyes on Jaebeom he would unpleasantly stare at him. 

His sweaty hands slid over his pants while he tried to rub off the sweat, knowing they would be wet again in no time. It was always like this when he is nervous. Sweaty hands and a dry throat. He knew this feeling all too well since he gets nervous just too easily. Job Interviews, important meetings at work, dates, and especially when it's something he doesn't normally do, just like in this situation. 

Youngjae wasn't sure how late it was by now. How much time had passed since he came here again. His phone was somewhere in one of his pockets hidden in his jacket which rested over the little sofa across from him, too far away to take a glance at the clock just for a second. Not that he minded how late it was nor how long he had been here but he had to stop his mind from spinning with unnecessary thoughts so he tried to distract himself as good as he could. 

The rustling of foil brought him back out of his thoughts, a smile growing on his lips as the tingling crawled back into his bones by the sight in front of him. He looked up at the other with curious eyes, unable to watch the boring equipment in front of him any longer. Muscles danced around as Jaebeom cut the clay with a thin wire, knowing exactly how much he needed for what he had planned out in his head. Youngjae must have missed the moment when he had dived deep into his thoughts and now, he was cursing at himself that he had wasted a chance to admire Jaebeom’s body even better. The black hoodie wasn’t around Jaebeom's upper body anymore, making it easier for the other to move but harder for Youngjae to focus on his resolution not to stare at him like a creep. 

The clay rolled over the table. Loud and dull noises filled the room as Jaebeom smacked the dough slightly against the wooden plate of his working space. Youngjae flinched at the sudden sound, his eyes wincing every time the clay was hitting the table with a smack. 

“To remove the bubbles...” Jaebeom said, eyes still on the task in front of him, kneading the brown chunk nicely with his pale and toned arms hat became visible now that he was just wearing a plain white shirt. It was too hard to tear his gaze away from him that he just gave up on it. How could he not? Not when every smack of his hands on the clay made his heart beat faster and his thoughts more indecent than they ever were before. 

It wasn’t his fault, Youngjae told himself. Usually, he wasn't like that. Not that lascivious, easily whipped nor lusting over someone he barely knew with such lewd thoughts. Even in a long relationship, he wasn’t the type to try every possible position or any other fancy bedroom stuff. His ex had called him boring back then, which had hurt a lot and had made him insecure about his performance in bed. But what was so bad about loving it to cuddle and that his favorite position was missionary, where he could glance into his partner’s eyes with love and affection especially when none of his past partners had made him crave for something more than that. 

But there was something about Jaebeom that stirred his concealed and well-hidden thoughts and brought them up to the surface. So it was definitely Jaebeom’s fault for making him feel this way and not the other way around. Jaebeom wasn't even his type, not that he had one but with all the piercings and the baggy clothes, he wasn't the type of man he usually admired. 

Still, Jaebeom made him feel so damn good and it felt so different than with his other ones before and that’s something he couldn't deny. He felt more comfortable in his own skin than he had ever been under the gaze of someone else, maybe because he didn’t have something to pretend, something to lose. But he wasn't just the cute one with the adorable face. No, he felt desired sensually and worth a second look or more which he realized to need more than he thought he would. He had avoided every possible flirt advance since his very ugly break up a year and a little ago. And it’s been too long for him since he felt good under someone else's gaze without being uncomfortable. 

Maybe it was stupid. Maybe he just imagined things but hell yes, he deserved to have fun from time to time, he deserved to give in to his sinful needs even if it was just for one night. At least that's what he tried to tell himself to get over his stupid ex-boyfriend’s words and the warning voice in the back of his head. It would be just this night, trying things out and after that, he would go back to his usual life, meet a nice guy at the coffee shop he liked to go to or somewhere in the world wide web on a serious partner finding website. That's how it has worked the times before. That's what he knew would work even if he wasn't that lucky in the end but at least he was comfortable this way. 

Youngjae was sure that it was just physical attraction between them, nothing more and nothing less. Other people do it all the time just like Jackson said. They spent their half life with changing partners each week without feeling bad about it. There is nothing to be ashamed of and he knew it deep inside. It’s just that he never did it before without being utterly in love with that person in the first place. 

But Jaebeom was so beautiful and he made him feel too good to let the chance pass. The way his body moved as he formed the clay, the way his fluffy hair whipped up and down with every movement, the way he looked at the lump of earth in his hand, excited, but with a tender gaze as if he couldn't wait to see what he would bring to life with his hands. 

And then there was the way he looked at him with hungry eyes. It just made him wonder how Jaebeom would move with him, how his hands would feel on his body, how it would feel to melt in his rough hands and how he would sound if he moaned into his ear. And he wanted to try it, to hear it, and to taste the self-forbidden fruit in front of his eyes. Being brave and someone else, just this one time.

Jaebeom's wide shoulders and muscular arms moved over the surface, kneading the muddy dough one last time before he walked over to him with a slight smile on his lips. Youngjae's eyes trailed over his bare arms, his chest, and everything else they could make out in the dim light. Gorgeous, He's just so damn gorgeous, he thought while he dug his nails into his pants, trying to lessen the need to touch Jaebeom's body any second. 

Just because he finally decided to give in, he wouldn't push all his worries aside. He would wait for Jaebeom's first move, for the moment he would be touched and kissed until he would lay his hands on him. It was harder than he thought when his lips looked so wet and rosy, perfect to press gentle kisses onto them.

A dull thud echoed through the atelier as the clay landed in the round plate in front of him, making him flinch again and come back from his thoughts. "I just have to get us some aprons, I don't want you to ruin your sweater," Jaebeom said and looked over his shoulder with a smile before he walked over to the little shelf across from them. Youngjae watched him walk, watched how his broad shoulders moved with every step and how his little ass whipped up in down in his dirty and shabby pants. 

Youngjae could just nod without actually meaning it. As if he would mind getting his clothes dirty. As if he would mind straining them with clay when it would be because of Jaebeom’s hands on his body and clothes. He would shamefully wash them away tomorrow and never think about it again. Hopefully. He was surprised by his thoughts, from himself, and from the rush of confidence that spread in his body when Jaebeom's eyes wandered over his body and tights as he walked back over to him.

A soft smile grew on his lips as he noticed the rosy pink apron around Jaebeom's neck and body, small dots of strawberries all over the small fabric that could barely cover his wide chest, making his sinful thoughts disappear while they made place for something more gentle. 

"I didn't wash enough from the ones for adults. I hope you don't mind… " Jaebeom whispered gently while he placed a yellow sunflower apron around Youngjae's neck, tying it on his back with a loop. He felt Jaebeoms heat against his body, skin tickling with desire even if he was fully clothed. 

"It's okay I don't mind. You look cute. I mean the apron, it looks cute on you," he stuttered and wished the ground would swallow him right on the spot. Jaebeom just hummed in response while a smile was growing on his lips, making him look so soft and adorable with his rosy cheeks. 

"Don't worry, I'm okay with being called cute," he said while a little laugh left his throat, making him even cuter than he already was when his eyes disappeared into little decreasing moons.

Somehow his voice was so calming even if it was just a humming or a little word. It was so comforting and it made his stupid heart crave for more than just this. It made him wish for conversations about their life in the middle of the night, for banters with a coffee in their hands about their hobbies and everything that made Jaebeom happy, it made him wish for things he shouldn't long for. It made him crave for things he would never have now that they started things out like this. 

But his voice was just so gentle and calm, it made his heart melt with every word that left his lips. It was so completely different from his alluring appearance that made Youngjae's mouth go dry and his pants tight. So how could he stop his stupid heart from being attracted to him with every single word and every touch? 

He gasped for air as the little stool sank down beneath him. A cozy warmth crawled over his back as Jaebeom took a seat right behind his stiff body. He was caged between Jaebeom's limbs, their legs brushed against each other, creating heated sparks like firestones as they touched just barely. 

"Is it too close for you? It's just more comfortable like this." Jaebeom's breath tickled against his ear, heat waves spread all over his body as he felt Jaebeom's lean arms hanging loose around his waist. His body was tingling, heatwaves rushed through his body by every breath against his neck, by every touch against his thighs and every time Jaebeom's chest leaned against his back when his lungs filled up with air. 

"It's okay" he brought out, voice barely audible as he answered with a lump in his throat. He looked around, hoping to find a window that could be opened to cool him down but he couldn't find the strength to ask Jaebeom to move, to leave him there alone without their bodies pressing against each other for just a second. 

"Okay…"

Youngjae could hear the smile in Jaebeom's voice. It was like everything Youngjae said made him smile as if he was funny without even trying. It made his cheeks go red, feeling insecure all over again since he couldn't place Jaebeom's actions if he found him foolish or not. 

"It will be a bit messy. I'm sorry if your clothes still get dirty but there won't be any stains after washing them." 

He could just nod, his voice and strength to form words into sentences were nowhere to be found as he felt Jaebeom's body so close against his, as his voice filled his mind in such a pleasant way, and as Jaebeom's breath tickled on the baby hair on his cheeks. 

Youngjae's hands rested on his tights, sweaty, and trembling from the carousel of thoughts that kept spinning in his mind. He flinched slightly as he felt Jaebeoms rough palms against the back of his hand, guiding him to the ball of clay with a slow and gentle motion. He shivered as he felt the cold clay under his hands, even if his body felt like burning it made him shiver all over his body. 

Jaebeom moved their hands over the clay, slowly, giving him time to feel the soft surface under his fingertips. It felt nice, somehow exciting even if it was just a piece of mud without a purpose and soul. But he could feel what Jaebeom was feeling. That it was in his hands to change its destiny. It was just a useless chunk until he determined the form, the structure, and the usage after his liking. There are so many possibilities to create something gorgeous, practical, and unique. Something that was just his own, something just for him, something that would remind him of his braveness this night. But all he could focus on was the warm chest against his back and the calm breathing against his cheek. 

He felt so nervous. His hands felt like they would just melt away by the touch of Jaebeom's warm ones. His whole body felt like it would sink down into a risible puddle on the ground like the ones outside on the streets. Jaebeom's breathing felt so calm, while his own was shaky and uneven.

"Are you doing something like this often?" he asked while his hands roamed around the clay, still interlocked with the other's small fingers while he tried to get rid of the nervous feeling in his belly.

"Do you mean giving single lessons or …?" 

"Mhm," he hummed without being sure why he even asked about it nor which answer he wished to receive.

"Actually I… " he laughed slightly, nearly timid before he continued "You won’t believe me anyway right?" Jaebeom asked slowly, with a hint of uncertainty in his voice as they continued to form the clay between their palms. 

"Do you think we can start?" Jaebeom asked after a while, after Youngjae gave no sign of another answer than his nod, lost again in his spinning thoughts. "The throwing wheel will start to spin now, so don't be surprised. We need to use water to bring the clay into shape so here starts the dirty and slippery part." Jaebeom mumbled hotly against his ear, making Youngjae shiver with every word he breathed against his skin. 

"I don’t mind if it gets dirty…"

"Is that so?" Jaebeom asked and he could hear the smile in his voice. 

"I mean my clothes... hen they get dirty. I mean…" He stumbled over his own words, feeling like one of the shy preschool kids reading out loud in front of the whole class as Jaebeom played along. He really tried to be more casual about it, to be less anxious and reserved but Jaebeom probably could see right through him, read his actions just like his friends. But maybe it was better this way when Jaebeom knew how nervous he was and how foreign the situation was for him.

The clay started to spin, feeling hard and heavy in his palms as the rotations became faster and faster with every push of Jaebeom's feet on the pedal. He jumped in his seat as Jaebeom poured more water over their hands, giving the clay a slippery texture in his palm. 

"You have to use a bit more force to form the clay," Jaebeom whispered into his ear as he leaned forward, pressing his body flush against Youngjae's. "Not too much but still a little bit. It takes some time to get a feeling for it. How much pressure is perfect, where to put your fingers to get the reaction you want." 

Jaebeom must be skilled with his hands, he thought as he closed his eyes and bit his lip to stop any embarrassing sound to leave his mouth while Jaebeom's small and rough hands felt so good against his own. He never knew that he would envy a piece of clay but right now he wanted to be under Jaebeom’s hands, to be formed by him, to be touched with the right amount of pressure and with his fingers at the right places. 

"Doesn't it feel good?" he heard Jaebeom mumble right against his burning cheek. "I like to work with my hands. I'm not made for office work. I like to see what I create and how it gives joy to others… And what's your passion Youngjae?" 

The way Jaebeom said his name sent shivers down his spine, it made his body tingle all over even if it was nothing extraordinary. The same word he had heard so often before. Just his name and nothing more but it was such a difference when it was Jaebeom's lips that spilled these letters. 

“I'm into music and art… I sing and play the piano" he mumbled while the clay formed into a long shape in his hands. 

“Mhm… I would love to hear you sing one day” he whispered while his thumb brushed over the back of Youngjae’s hand, leaving traces of electric sparks on his skin.

He must be desperate to see a male genital in the spinning clay that grew up into the air in the palms of his hands. Maybe his friends were right and Youngjae needed some action between his legs, something to calm his inner sinful thoughts down. But the way Jaebeom whispered against his neck and the way the wet length of clay was moving in his hands was too much for him to keep his thoughts innocent by now. 

"Put your hand like this," the other said and guided his hand how he wanted it and how he needed it to get what he aimed for. As if Youngjae could do much, feeling like clay that had to be touched to move as Jaebeom wanted as well. It wasn't like he did much work, it was Jaebeom who guided him, who formed the shape, who gave the directions and he followed willingly with his shaking hands.

He watched Jaebeom as he pressed the clay down and formed a flatter surface with his fingers, the hole in the middle grew wider and wider until he could guess the shape of a bowl. 

"Do you like to eat ramen? I guess a nice bowl would be useful?"

"Y-Yes… I do… I like it."

"Are you always that… talkative or do I make you feel uncomfortable?" Jaebeom asked him while his voice got even softer than before, making his heart flutter by so much gentleness. 

"No actually. I feel pretty good." he breathed out and cursed himself for being so shy and awkward just because he sat between the legs of a handsome guy. His mind was just clouded with thoughts and filled with his beating heart due to the long yearned connection of another body against his. 'Damn it, you're not a teen' Youngjae cursed at himself as his body became even tense due to his own spinning mind. 

Maybe it wasn't Jaebeom himself who made his body feel so hot and cold at the same time. It was probably just the way Jaebeom looked at him, the way he talked to him as if there was just him on this planet who was in his mind right now that made his own go crazy. 

The spinning of the plate stopped, pulling him out of the thoughts again as the round worktop came to a halt. Youngjae tilted his head just to find Jaebeom looking at him with a timid smile on his beautiful lips and a curious glint in his eyes. 

"Why did… did you stop? Is something wrong?" his mouth felt dry like the Sahara as he opened his mouth to answer. He could feel Jaebeom's warm breath against his lips. He could smell the peppermint tea and cigarettes. He should be disgusted by the tobacco but it just made him weaker with every breath he took off him. Youngjae's eyes darted between Jaebeom's lips and eyes, unable to focus on just one of them. His warm eyes and his soft lips, both so incredibly alluring and warm.

It felt like the time stood still. As if he was trapped in his own body as Jaebeom lips came closer and closer while his heart was beating harder and harder under his ribs. He held his breath, his eyes falling shut as soon as Jaebeom hesitatingly pressed his warm and wet lips on his waiting ones. Slowly and so gently, giving Youngjae enough time to pull away if he wanted, to end the kiss and the connection they had. But he wasn't strong enough to back away, not that he wanted them to stop anyway when his body had longed for it since Jaebeom had held his hand. 

His body relaxed by the tender kiss but as soon as his mind started to work again his body became tense just like before. It's been so long since he kissed someone's lips. 'What if's' filled his mind, making it unable for him to just enjoy the moment while his head thought about every possible thing that could happen. But God, he wanted him so bad. He wanted to enjoy his kisses, his hands on his body. He wanted to enjoy it just so bad. ‘Please just let me enjoy it for tonight’ he told his spinning mind over and over again, trying to shut up all these noises. 

He felt Jaebeom’s hands on his apron, getting rid of the water and mud on his hands before he gently cleaned Youngjae's shaking ones as well. "Or else it might become a little bit too dirty, right…" Jaebeom whispered against his lips, their mouths parted for just seconds until Jaebeom's lips found his again for a deep kiss. 

Jaebeom's movements were still so slow, so teasingly slow and Youngjae knew he just wanted to give him enough time to give his okay, to say no if he wanted, at least that's what he hoped it would be the reason for his reservation. 

Jaebeom's hands felt a little rough against his sensitive skin as he cupped his cheek and slid the other hand under his sweater to touch his burning skin. A moan left Youngjae's lips as Jaebeom brushed his fingertips over his belly and hips in a slow motion. The room was so quiet, nothing filled the room with noises except for their heavy breaths and Youngjae's pounding heart. At least that's what it felt like. As if his heart could be heard even from far away, unable to hide the fire that was burning in his wildly pumping heart. 

It just took a flick against his nip, another bite of his lips, and the quietness of the room was filled with his begging for more. His moans were so desperate, so pleading and it was so embarrassingly filled with want that he wished to die right here but he couldn't stop to leave out these sounds as Jaebeom fingers rubbed around his nipple, twisting his hard bud between his sand coated fingers to receive more of the whimpers he spilled. 

It felt like peeling against his sensitive skin when Jaebeom slowly circled his nipple while gentle kisses bloomed over his jaw. Youngjae couldn't proceed if it was too much or everything he needed when the overwhelmed feeling spread in his body, making him shiver and his legs tremble. 

Youngjae knew he needed more as soon as Jaebeom pulled his hand away, halting in his action as he tried to find out if he went too far with his touches or not. 

"Don't stop," Youngjae moaned into their kiss and he couldn't stop his heart from jumping as Jaebeom didn't waste another second to run his rough fingers over his bruised skin again. This time a little slower, more gentle before when his hand wandered over to abuse his other neglected nipple. 

Youngjae's mouth fell agape as Jaebeom used more pressure against his skin, sliding his tongue between Youngjae's lips as he had the chance to do. Their tongues danced with each other, playing around while wet sounds and moans filled the air entirely. He leaned closer, tilting his head just a little more to deepen their heated kiss. He wanted more, needed more to extinguish the fire in his body that was burning so wild from the moment Jaebeom had laid his hands on him. 

His shaking hands found Jaebeom's cheek. The position he was in was more than uncomfortable but he couldn't stop to slide his thumb over Jaebeom's cheek while he kissed him as if there was no tomorrow. He bit Jaebeom’s lip, sucked on the soft flesh between his lips while his heart was beating faster with every small moan that Jaebeom gifted him. He felt like a teenager, a dumb teenager who just was desperate to get laid. But he wouldn’t care when Jaebeom felt just as desperate as him.

Youngjae's hands found Jaebeom’s hair, tangling his fingers between the long brown locks, his nails scratching over his scalp as Jaebeom’s hand came dangerously near his burning middle. He tucked his hair, pulled him closer, pushed his face against Jaebeoms even if there wasn't any space left between their mouths. Their lips smacked against each other, over and over again, just little pecks before the fire between became passionate again. His chin was completely wet and burned from the slight stubbles of the other when they rubbed against his skin, making it sore by the assault of his raspy chin. 

He bit his lip and parted his legs wider for Jaebeom as his brisk hand wandered over his tights, moving closer and closer to his waiting middle. "Jaebeom..." he breathed out heavily as the warm hand found the way to the bulge in his pants. Skillful was an understatement, these little hands were made in heaven. It was just the right pressure against his twitching length as Jaebeom palmed him over his jeans at a perfect pace, groping him firmly as his hip thrusting into his hand out of reflex. 

Their lips parted as they needed to gasp for air. His head fell back into his neck as Jaebeom kissed over his jaw and neck, leaving wet kisses and stripes of saliva as he licked over his burning skin. Youngjae's nipples felt sore but he couldn’t find the strength to stop Jaebeom from touching and twisting his buds between his clay smeared hands. 

The coarse surface of Jaebeom's hands trailed over his belly, sparks rising on his skin when he felt his hand finding its way down to the hem of Youngjae's jeans to feel him fully without fabric between. Youngjae tucked in his stomach, trying to give Jaebeom more space to go further down where he needed him the most. 

A pleading whine filled the air, it was desperate and needy but it didn't spill over Youngjae's lips. Jaebeom's’ hand was twitching under his waistband, being stuck there due to his clumsy and rushed actions. It would make him laugh if he wouldn't be so desperate to feel Jaebeoms hand around his length. 

Youngjae plopped the bottom open with one hand, hastily pulling down the zipper with shaking fingers to give him access to what he's waiting for. As soon as he could move, Jaebeom slid his hand further down between his legs, wrapping his fingers around Youngjae's hardening length with a tight grip that felt like a sweet release. 

His legs started to jerk by the raspy grip around his dick. He whined, his body twitched as if electric shock waves went through his body. His hand clenched into Jaebeom's thighs, his nails digging into the fabric of his pants as Jaebeom kept stroking him with a low pace. 

"Hurts" he whispered under his breath, feeling a little sore under the raspy grip around his cock. 

Jaebeom let go of him immediately, his eyes glued on the slightly clay covered fingers as he freed them out of the tight cage of Youngjae's pants. "'m sorry" he brought out and Youngjae was surprised how trembling his voice sounded, his eyes glossy while he seemed far away in another galaxy. 

His breath hitched as he felt Jaebeoms arms around his waist, caressing over his upper body with gentle strokes before he found himself in a tight embrace. His body relaxed slowly, finding comfort in the hold of the person behind him while he felt the soft brushes of Jaebeom's nose against his neck. 

"I'm sorry… do you want me to stop?" Jaebeom mumbled while he placed soft kisses against his jaw that felt like tiny sweet excuses. Youngjae felt the growing smile against his skin as he shook his head slowly, giving him the allowance to continue with whatever he wanted. 

"Maybe we should go over to the couch?" he asked, his nose nudging against Youngjae's soft cheek, trailing from his cheekbone over his ear before he sucked on his earlobe gently.

"Mhm.., not so fast" Jaebeom mumbled while he wrapped his arms around Youngjae’s waist as he felt his eagerness to get up. Their hands found their way into the bowl with fresh water next to them before Jaebeom washed their hands thoroughly until every last part of the earthy material had faded away. 

His eyes were closed as Jaebeom wrapped a soft towel around his wet hands, enjoying the gentleness of his actions when their cheeks leaned against each other. He felt the comforting weight of Jaebeom’s chin resting on his shoulder while he rubbed their hands dry and clean. It felt just so good, so gentle that he wished to stay like this forever.

Youngjae closed his fluttering eyes again as he felt the cool and wet fabric against his cheek. "There is a little bit of clay" the other whispered while he continued to dab the wet rag over his face carefully. "You are so beautiful…."

His breath didn't leave his lungs as Jaebeom's warm thumb brushed over his sore lips, gently outlining the contour of his parted mouth. It felt so gentle, so loving that Youngjae could laugh about himself for being so stupid to feel like someone special under his touch. 

Youngjae slung his tongue around Jaebeom's finger, sucking the digit into his mouth to stop his mind from going meekly. His tongue swirled around, sucking on Jaebeoms thumb like a baby while he looked at him with hooded eyes. He whined as Jaebeom removed the digit out of his mouth, leaving him with an empty feeling between his lips but scrunched his nose as he felt his own spit against his cheek as Jaebeom cupped his face between his palms. 

His eyes fluttered closed again as Jaebeom's tongue slid over his abused lips. His tongue darted forward, searching for Jaebeom’s sweet lips to slide between as if he would search for a light switch in the dark. The tips of their tongues met in the air, dancing around in an open-mouthed kiss before he couldn't hold back anymore and pressed his lips fully onto Jaebeom’s soft ones. 

A shiver went through his body as he felt the cold and wet fabric around his length. His head fell back into his neck, eyes rolling into the back of his head as Jaebeom cleaned him with gentle strokes. He should feel embarrassed being cleaned like this but all he could do was to move his hips slowly to feel more of the friction that made his mind completely empty, just filled with pure lust and want while they stared at each other with hooded eyes. Jaebeom's eyes wandered over his face in quick motions, scanning his face for any discomfort or just to watch him melt under his grip. It was so hot, so arousing for him to be watched like this, as if it was Jaebeom's favorite movie to watch, how he fell apart. 

A strangled moan escaped his open mouth, quickly closing it to lessen the sounds that would leave his lips to a humming one.

"I like how you sound. You don't have to hold them back in front for me." Jaebeom whispered against his temples, trailing sweet kisses over the parts of his skin he could reach while he cupped his cheek gently. 

He would moan out loud if he just could but all he could do was to whimper just quietly with every flick of Jaebeom's wrist. He was not the type to do so. To fill the room with his lewd sound has never been a pleasure to him, not wanting anyone to hear how desperate he was for all these touches. But with Jaebeom he couldn't hold them back, couldn't cage them in his throat when they desperately needed to get out of him.

He was caged in his arms, one hand around his cock one hand holding his face in place to leave gentle kisses and strokes of his thumb against his sweaty skin. And he was melting under the touch, melting in Jaebeom's arms and under his warm hands while his hips rolled on their own, craving for more friction and a tighter grip around his length. 

"I need… wa… want you" he breathed out heavily into the thick air which made it even harder to breathe for him. It robbed his breath but made it hard for him to think about any kind of fear, finally giving his mind some peaceful rest.

They moved in unison, like a perfect team, like they already had spent countless nights together to know what the other was doing when they both got up with shaking legs. Waves of disapproval wasted over him as Jaebeom let go of his aching cock just for a second. He needed him, needed to feel his warmth around his base. But when he could feel Jaebeom's erection poking against his ass as they stood there in the dimmed light, it made his hips move faster, rolling into Jaebeom's hand and against the bulge that was growing with his actions. 

It felt so hot, so satisfying to feel grow under his touch like that. Youngjae's hand slid between their bodies, trying to open Jaebeom's pants confidently which just ended in a complete mess of kisses and giggles about his unsuccessful attempts to strip him down naked. 

Jaebeom massaged his chest, slowly pulling and twisting his nipples as his own hand trailed over Jaebeom's clothed length that was still caged in his pants. But he could feel the burning heat under his fingertips, he could feel the pumping veins under his touch as he trailed over the print of his dick with slow strokes. And it felt so good, so fucking good to wrap his hands around his twitching length, feeling him so raw and real.

Youngjae hissed as Jaebeom didn't get the memo of him turning around, pulling his hard bud a little too much between his fingers when he did. But the pain was forgotten quickly as he finally pulled Jaebeom's pants down as well, crashing their burning middles against each other to eventually feel each other's skins on his own. 

His heart clenched as Jaebeom pulled him into a tight hug, sealing their dicks between their bellies as both started to move against each other. He pushed his body forward against Jaebeom’s wide chest and burning middle. He rolled his hips, slightly moaning into their kiss whenever he felt the right amount of pressure against his now neglected cock. It was too much but not enough at the same time, he needed more. He needed to be inside or to be filled up. At this point he didn't care, would take whatever Jaebeom would give him with loving arms.

Youngjae's hands were tangled in Jaebeom's sweaty locks, pushing and pulling him closer to deepen their kiss as Jaebeom cupped his ass cheeks with both of his hands. Slowly, they stumbled over to the couch, their hips rolling against each other rhythmically in a desperate manner, chasing their own pleasure or just to feel the burning body of the other. 

Youngjae felt the wooden frame against his heel as he bumped against the green sofa that had felt so far away as they started to move but now, as he felt the saving island, his legs gave up and his ass finally found its place on the soft pillows. 

Their limbs were tangled, bodies flush against each other as Jaebeom’s hand wandered under Youngjae's Sweater. "How do you want to do it?" he asked between soft kisses against his neck and jaw, nibbling on his lips as his hands fumbled with Youngjae's sweater. 

"I…" The words stuck in his throat. Yeah, what did he want? He wasn't used to spontaneous sex like this even if he wanted to. And even less with a stranger he just met but he wanted it so much, wanted to feel him in whatever possible way. "H-how do you like it?" he asked, his eyes looking up into Jaebeom's warm ones which rested on him with a gentle gaze. 

Youngjae leaned into the gentle touch as Jaebeom caressed over his cheek with his palm, slowly stroking over his flushed and wet cheeks with tender motions. " Why don't you try to relax a bit and I will do the work?" Jaebeom whispered sweetly, without any hint of amusement about the nervousness in his voice. He wondered if Jaebeom wondered about his behavior if he already knew that this all made him flustered or if he didn't even notice the storm that was raging in his mind. 

"I would like that…" he whispered against Jaebeom’s neck as he snuggled into the soft hair that was protecting his neck from kisses and hickeys. The locks tickled against his nose, making him nearly sneeze by it but he couldn't stop breathing in the slight scent of strawberry mixed with tobacco that made his mind and legs go weak. 

His legs parted as he felt Jaebeoms warm and raspy and against his stomach, slowly circling his thumb through the hair under his belly button. He leaned back, body going slack as he relaxed his limbs into the soft pillows, giving Jaebeom the allowance to do what he pleased, to touch as much as he wanted.

Jaebeom kissed him sweetly while he helped Youngjae out of his shirt. He shivered when he was completely exposed, his pants resting between his legs on the floor while his sweater landed on the floor with a dull thud. 

Their lips had to part again as Jaebeom got rid of his shirt, finally giving him a good view of his milky chest and the wide shoulders. He looked gorgeous, like a god’s statue made out of clay himself. The strands and Youngjae's gaze wandered hungrily over his gorgeous face to his slight abs down over his wonderful tights. 

He wasn't sure where Jaebeom got the lube and the little foil filled with protection but he couldn’t care at this moment. He just watched him lube his fingers, watched how the gel glistered in the soft light from the outside before his fingers wandered between his cheeks to make place for Youngjae's length. 

Youngjae slowly pulled him fully on his lap, suddenly remembering the tiny fingers of the other that were so small compared to his own. "Let me do it for you." He whispered while he kissed over the wide shoulders, slowly, enjoying the warm skin under his sore lips. His lips brushed over his neck, muscles twitched under the touch as he inserted his fingers into Jaebeom's heat. 

"That's better, deeper" he heard him moan and Youngjae couldn't hide the smile from growing on his lips. It made him feel good, knowing he gave pleasure to someone else, knowing Jaebeom enjoyed his touches as much as he did. It was a foreign feeling. Years of just doing it to please someone else without feeling any spark, burned in his mind. It felt so different but maybe because there was nothing he had to lose and no hurt feelings from someone he once had called home.

His nose brushed over Jaebeom’s neck, inhaling the tobacco scent while he placed gentle kisses over his throat to calm his eagerness down. Every moan vibrated through his lips, through his whole body, making him yearn for more which helped not to cool him down. He was surprised by himself, the arousal that was burning in his lower half made him wonder if he ever felt like this before. 

He flinched as he felt the sweaty hand on his shoulder, eyes shooting up to the pleasure distorted face of the other as he brushed over Jaebeom's sweetest spot deep inside. The way Jaebeom's body shivered under his hands and the way he looked in the soft light just made his body filled up with so much need and lust and he couldn’t stop his fingers from parting, scissoring him open to make space for himself in a desperate manner. 

His tongue trailed over Jaebeom's throat, feeling the pulsating heartbeat under his muscle as he licked over the soft skin. He could feel the swallowing under his tongue, could feel the moan that escaped Jaebeom's lips so heavily. He could feel how strangling noise was rising from deep down his chest just to leave his throat slowly and outstretched. His lips captured Jaebeom's chin, sucking slowly on the raspy skin with wet kisses and licks before he kissed up to press his warm lips onto Jaebeom's, feeling some kind of comfort washing over him as their lips were sealed tightly again. 

"Can we? Are you… ?" He brought out carefully between heavy breaths, not sure if it was enough time to prepare the other. But he wanted him so badly, needed to feel him, that's all he could think about when his hand gently caressed over Jaebeom’s back with his fingertips. 

The sound of an opened foil ringed in his head. He felt the loss of contact and warmth so bitterly which gave space for his thought to fill his mind again. Yet again he wondered how many clients sat on this couch to get their happy end after a nice painting and pottery session. But he shook his head slowly, feeling the annoyance about his own thoughts rising when he wasn't here for something permanent either. So how could he judge when both of them were just looking for some kisses and touches.

"You okay?" he heard the other ask and he could just smile faintly. "Yeah just… nothing... keep going...." he whispered, the tightness in his throat becoming more and more with every gulp when he tried to look his thoughts into the back of his head again. 

He watched how Jaebeom opened the small pink package with his teeth, his eyes darting down as he felt Jaebeom’s warm hands around his cock. A generous amount of lube found the way around his member, taking his time to smear the liquid all over it without haste. It felt like minutes even if it was probably just a second and again he couldn't decide if he needed more or to feel Jaebeom’s heat around himself just now.

Youngjae's hands stoked over Jaebeom's tights as he hovered over his lap, his tip brushing over Jaebeom's rim as he lined himself up before he sank down, slowly, painfully slowly while his hooded eyes were glued on Youngjae. 

His eyes fluttered closed, his head fell into his neck as he felt the warm and tight feeling around him. An extended moan left his lips as Jaebeom took a seat onto his lap. He wanted to be embarrassed about his sounds but he just couldn't when it felt so good to be soaked in from Jaebeom's tight warm walls. 

It felt so good, so warm around him and so fucking tight, that he wondered if he really was used to it or if Jaebeom had only mercy on him and his nervousness. He wasn't sure but he couldn't care at all. He just wanted him to move, to ride him as he pleased, to make him feel good, to make him finally come and redeem him from his misery. 

"Just a second" Jaebeom's trembling body moved under his palms, placing his forehead onto Youngjae's shoulder to get a hold of the sensation that filled him up so well. But Youngjae made him look up soon after, cupping his cheek gently with his palm as he caressed over his warm and blushed cheek with his thumb.

"Take your time…" he whispered before he pulled him against his lips for a gentle peck against his lips, his nose, and another one onto the moles over his eye just in case he needed it.

Jaebeom's hair was glued into his forehead, the sweat holding tight against the skin as he brushed a single strand out of his face, admiring the soft features in front of him, slowly touching his delicate skin with his fingertips as if he would break if he touched him too much. 

"So beautiful" he breathed out, barely audible but enough for the other to blush so pink, that it could be compared with the color of the apron he had been dressed in before. They were so pink and flushed when the color was creeping even further into his cheeks while their eyes were locked with a timid gaze. Adorable, and his heart would melt into a puddle of tenderness if Jaebeom wouldn't moan like a mess and sit on his lap while being all naked. 

"I'm sorry… you must be tired of hearing it." He whispered, eyes still locked with the other. His heart felt heavy as he saw the shy but somehow sad smile on the other’s lips, making him wonder what went through his mind. Making him wonder if there was a wildly raging storm of thoughts as well.

"Honestly, not that often… other's prefer hot or else but never beautiful…" he mumbled back while he leaned into his touch, his cheek resting in the palm of Youngjae’s hand while his eyes slowly closed, a smile lingered on his face that was so heartbreakingly beautiful that Youngjae wished he could capture it forever, making him smile like this forever. 

Why couldn't they've met differently? In a café around the corner, without hooking up so loosely which made him feel so lost.

Youngjae's thumb brushed over the piercing that was under his eye. He could feel the hard surface under the pad of his thumb as he brushed gently over the shiny metal. "Did it hurt?" 

“No…'' Jaebeom gave back before hid his face in Youngjae's hand "Okay, maybe a little bit, but it was okay..." he whispered, cheeks getting even redder than before by the confession and Youngjae was sure he never saw someone this adorable as he made him tilt his head again to have a better view. 

"You are so different that I thought Jaebeom" he whispered silently while another kiss found Jaebeom’s lips

"I hear it a lot… I'm sorry if…" he nodded slightly while his head sank lower, breaking Youngjae’s heart by the sight of seeing him so insecure. He knew how it felt and he didn’t want him to feel like this as well.

"No, it's cute. I…. I like it." he gave back quickly, slowly kissing Jaebeom's lips again just so gently, stopping him looking at him with these excusing eyes, as if it was something bad to be so gentle, so warm and so damn loveable.

Youngjae could feel the smile against his lips, he tilted his head, deepening the kiss when he pushed his tongue between his lips to slide deeper into his warm depts. 

His fingertip trailed over the outline of Jaebeom's beautiful lips, his heart fluttered as Jaebeom kissed the pad of his index finger and Youngjae let him kiss each finger, giving each one of them a gentle kiss before he made his way over his chin and jaw. It was just so gentle, so warm and tender that he wondered if Jaebeom was always like this. So soft, so gentle with everyone else that found the way into his strong arms.

They parted when they had to gasp for air, looking at each other with blushed cheeks when they had kissed for like an eternity. His eyes roamed around his soft features again, memorizing these warm eyes for moments he needed to feel and remember something warm after they had parted. As the warm summer breeze, you would remember in your heart when it was raining heavily outside of your flat.

Jaebeom’s head fell back into his neck as Youngjae's fingertips trailed unhasty over his lips down to his throat just to rest on his wide chest. He closed his eyes as he felt Jaebeom’s lips against his forehead while his fingers continued to brush over his soft chest before playing with the pierced nipple between his fingers. 

A moan escaped Jaebeom's lips, right into his ear, so close and so strangled that he wondered what would happen if he played more, if he would use more pressure and so he did. He pressed his fingers harder against his chest, playing around, circling the metal in Jaebeom’s bud while he listened to his whines and moans. 

"Do you have…" he mumbled as his eyes darted down, taking Jaebeom's member in his hand, inspecting the hard length thoroughly with his fingers for more metal. He took his time, inspecting the soft flesh of his balls as well, checking just in case if something was hidden there as well. 

"There is nothing, I have to disappoint you" he heard him whisper, voice filled with a hint of amusement which made him smile as well. Youngjae pressed his dick against his belly, slowly stroking him with his palm against his soft tummy, eliciting more of Jaebeom’s delicate moans that clouded his mind so well. 

“You can touch as much as you want" Jaebeom whispered and he could just nod and follow the invitation to run his fingertips over his length, slowly brushing over the slit that already spilled some drops of hot white against his skin. 

"Do you like that?" he asked, trying to sound seductive but his voice betrayed him, spilling these words just as trembling as the others shaking moans. Jaebeom didn't seem to notice as he nodded hastily, rocking his hips into his palm to get more friction under his touch while finally giving him some as well. 

Youngjae inhaled his burning breath, lips against each other without kissing as Jaebeom started to move his hips slowly. He whined, moaned as it was too slow, too teasing, making him long for more friction against his throbbing length. His nails dug into the soft skin of Jaebeom's ass, massaging the cheeks with both of his hands while his head fell back into his neck so that moans could escape his throat without restriction. It felt as if he would lose his mind when he bounced up and down. As if Jaebeom would send him into another galaxy when he clenched around him just so tightly.

Their lips collided with each other as Jaebeom attacked his bruised mouth, hips thrusting upwards to meet Jaebeoms heat at a faster pace by now. And felt sorry, almost, when he felt Jaebeom trembling legs and the tight wrap of his arms around his shoulders, holding onto him for dear life. 

It felt so good, so incredibly good that he wondered if this was the way into heaven when he caressed over Jaebeom’s waist and sides with gentle strokes. He was long gone in his own pleasure, his own need to get off as he speeded up his pace even faster, rolling his hips perfectly in sync with Jaebeom's.

He couldn't hold back even if he would try. Moans and whimpers left his lips, filling the room with disgusting noises while he couldn't care anymore if it sounded desperate or strange. He needed to let it out, let him know how good it felt to push deeper and deeper into the other with each sharp thrust. 

"So good... You feel so good" he moaned out, voice hoarse from moaning like never before. Youngjae grabbed his butt harder, pushing himself deeper into him with every hard thrust he gave.

Jaebeim held onto his shoulders, leaving bruises for sure as he dug his nails into Youngjae's skin desperately. He felt so tired, exhausted from the exertion but he couldn't stop his hips from snapping upwards, he couldn't stop to dig his nails into Jaebeom’s soft ass and he couldn't stop to look into Jaebeom's wonderful face, couldn’t tear his gaze away as Jaebeom fell apart when he brushed over his sweet spot without mercy, over and over again, making him spill the sweetest sounds possible. 

They moaned each other's names like a mantra. As if it would save them from coming too soon, from ending the time they had together. It felt so good, so perfect, so fulfilling when he was buried deep inside of the others clenching warmth. 

But he couldn't stop to wonder about his racing heart when they had silently promised each other it would be just sex. But then, shouldn't he be banging him against the wall? Mindless, careless about the others' needs. Shouldn't his body and mind be filled with lust and just the need for his own release and not with a gentle breeze of affection whenever their eyes met? 

Shouldn't the air be filled with disgusting grunts that would make it easy to forget about Jaebeom the other day and not with loving pleas for feeling more? 

Shouldn't it feel like just sex and nothing more while all he could feel was that it felt like making love what they did? Like they were already connected with a tiny barely visible red thread. As if they already met in another life. Another time when he wasn't so scared to love, to give his heart away again. 

He didn't believe in soulmates, lovers in different lives but now, he wanted to believe that they had met somewhere else. Somewhere where their love had a chance, a happy ending. Something more than just one night. It would make him feel less stupid, less foolish to feel all these things when he had prepared himself mentally that it would just last this one night. 

And maybe, knowing they are happy somewhere else would take the rising fear away that was boiling in his chest. The fear of giving someone else his heart again when love had betrayed him all so bad in the past. 

And he wondered, cursed at himself that he just gave in his lust with someone like Jaebeom. With someone who was so loveable, so damn loveable when he promised himself, made himself believe that love would never grow from something like a hookup just like this. When he had been sure all his life that he needed love to bloom slowly over time, for being something real and honest. 

But it was too late to stop, too late to convince him that it didn't happen when Jaebeom came all over him between their bellies, painting their stomachs with his warm load. He pulled him closer into a tight hug when he continued to chase his own high, moaning out Jaebeom's name faintly when he finally came as well, releasing heavily into the foil that stopped him from panting Jaebeom's walls with his color. 

He hugged him so tightly, excusing himself for being so dumb, for wasting the chance of love when he knew for sure that he could never love someone he had just granted a fleeting, temporary visit in his heart. 

"I'm sorry..." he breathed out, heavily and so quietly that Jaebeom couldn’t understand when he rested his forehead on his trembling shoulder again to come down from his high. 

He couldn't move as the weight was crushing over him, when the adrenalin left his body, making him realize bitterly what he had done and the chance for love that he wasted. It wasn't Jaebeom's fault. It was his own for having these stupid rules to protect his heart from breaking. 

"That was… amazing" Jaebeom blabbered out, feeling high from the orgasm he just received, pulling him out of his thoughts when he moved his fingers over his strained belly. "We should do this again. I mean with a date, a real date. What do you think?" 

And it sounded so happy. So happy that it broke his heart even more. And it made the weight on his shoulders just heavier as he realized that both of them hadn’t been on the same page from the start. But as much as his body and heart longed to be with someone else, he realized that he wasn’t over his hurting past and that the commitment scared the shit out of him. 

Not before, but now, after everything just went down some time ago, when he had learned the hard way that he couldn't trust his heart anymore, his own flesh and blood that had betrayed him so badly when Youngjae had been so sure that they would be happy together until the end of their time. 

It made his body tense, reminding him of the mean games love had played with him before even more when Jaebeom wrapped his arms around him just so tightly, robbing his lungs of the air to breathe. And it made him feel like he had lied, guilt dripping onto him as Jaebeom was just so happy, when he felt like he had missed the call that it would become something honest and real and not just this.

He couldn't look up into Jaebeom's eyes as he lifted his chin for a gentle kiss. He couldn't look into his warm eyes, afraid his own would tell Jaebeom everything, would tell him about the end of their shared path. So he pulled away, tearing his head to the side to avoid Jaebeom's loving lips he felt he wouldn’t deserve any more. 

"I thought we would just… this once… if I had known before…." his voice was trembling, disgusted of himself to say these words out loud when his cheek had rested in the warm and gentle touch of the other just seconds before. But it wasn't meant to be like this, that’s not what they had promised each other as he came back again, at least not for him. He didn’t want it to be permanent, to be suffocating again and he was sure and hoped that Jaebeom would understand. 

But if he had rested his head just a little closer against the others’ chest, he would have heard the crack of Jaebeom’s heart loud enough not to be denied. The loud and piercing sound of breaking glass that spread in your body from head to toe, that made it hard to breathe and hard to move, the paralyzing tightness in your chest of losing the hold under your feet. 

But he was too focused on his own thoughts. Too trapped in his own mind to hear the little break of the other’s heart that hadn't felt, hadn't seen their shared intimacy as something volatile. 

Youngjae might not have heard the breaking heart but he could feel the shift in the air so clearly. He could feel the weight on his shoulders and his whole body as soon as these words left his lips, as they swept into Jaebeom's mind, making the other realize they didn't share the same page of the book he had wanted to call something like love. 

When Jaebeom lifted himself off his lap, Youngjae couldn't see the hurt in the other’s eyes but he knew it was there. He knew it at the moment as his fingertips had run down on Youngjae's cheek shakingly after he had whispered these words out loud. And he could feel the hurt when Jaebeom bit his lip to stop the sweet sounds from leaving his mouth again, hiding all evidence of what he had enjoyed just seconds ago as he made Youngjae's dick slip out from the warmth that had made him see stars before. 

And now his touch didn't feel loving anymore. It felt hesitant, even if he could feel Jaebeom just wanted to move as quickly as he could, squirting under his touch as if it wasn't bearable anymore to be close to him any longer. And it broke his heart when Jaebeom flinched back as their skin met, even as he had barely touched him, as if he was afraid to touch skin he wasn’t allowed to anymore. As if he was afraid that it would burn his hands and hurt him even more.

And it hurt Youngjae so much even if he couldn’t know how many times the other gave away his heart just so willingly, so foolishly stupid in someone else hand, hoping for love in their gentle hold. Even if he knew he won't find love after being so intimate right from the start. But what should he do when nobody else tried to approach him in a more gentle way due to his looks, due to their views of him that weren't real. 

Jaebeom had hoped that someone would look past his piercings, past his appearance to look at him, him, and his hoping eyes to find love and safety in someone else's arms, hoping that Youngjae one would see that his heart and his eyes were just as lost as his own. And he had hoped that it would be him, the one with the gentle eyes that he wanted to find out what was hidden behind. 

It felt so cold without Jaebeom's body against his own and he wasn't sure if it was just the room that felt so ice cold or his own heart after acting the way he did. He swallowed heavily as he heard the tiny waddling footsteps of the other on the Marmor floor, how they became more quiet and quiet, walking away from him, leaving him alone with his heavy chest, making him uncomfortable to stay, as if he had lost his allowance and purpose to stay here any longer.

But that was what he wanted right? To end things before they could bloom, to close doors that never should have been open in the first place. So he slowly got up and pulled his pants back up, putting his sweater back on his body which didn't make him feel warmer. He couldn't even mind the dried come that was sticking on his belly, reminding him of the crime he had committed when he would wash these shreds of evidence away under the shower. 

Youngjae grabbed his jacket and walked over while his head hung low. His gaze wandered around one last time when his eyes landed on the forgotten clump of mud that should have become his own. He felt bad for wasting Jaebeom’s time and effort. So all he knew to do was to pull out his purse to at least pay the clay and the time he had wasted when he could have had someone else. 

His hands were shaking as he pulled out the notes that would hopefully cover the clay when it hopefully would calm down the heavy feeling of remorse for wasting his time and efforts, not thinking it could mean something else for the other. 

"I'm sorry about the clay… for wasting your hours of work... I'm sorry" he stuttered out as he placed the money on the plate, looking up into a face he couldn't read. He wasn't sure if it was enough but it was all he had so he excused himself another time before he made his way out with a ‘thank you’ on his lips. 

"I really wanted to get to know you better Youngjae… maybe if I hadn't kissed you…" 

He stopped by these words, slowly turning around just to meet Jaebeom's pained face. "I really wanted that too," he whispered out but flinched slightly as Jaebeom's words that followed hit him like a slap. 

"... but I hope you can understand that you're not welcome anymore." 

He had to swallow hard, not understanding the situation fully as Jaebeom kept looking at him with pain and hurt written all over his face. But when the other’s eyes landed on the money, with the saddest look he had ever seen, he realized what he did, what it could mean for someone else. 

"That’s not what I meant. I just… Jaebeom believe me…" He brought out heavily, nearly yelling out those words to make the other believe him, trust him at least for this. "It’s not like that… " he made a step forward but now it was Jaebeom who took a step back, who fled from him like a pained animal. Eyes wide open with fear and anger.

"Please just go okay? " he whispered with a slight smile but it didn't reach his eyes, it didn't make Youngjae’s heart flutter by the sight, it just made him feel worse than before, leaving him just as pained as the other. 

The cold breeze hit him like a punch in the face, tears began to boil in his eyes immediately as the wind blew frozely against his cheeks. He wanted to say that it wasn’t because of Jaebeom, that it was because it was so incredibly cold but he knew he would lie to himself. 

He walked down the road, the same way he walked when he came back to Jaebeom. He felt worse and worse with each step he took, he even thought about going back but he knew he would just make it worse than it already was. But he wanted him to know that it wasn’t about the sex, the money thing. He wanted to explain, his feelings, his mind and why he did what he did but he wasn’t sure if Jaebeom wanted to hear. He couldn't blame him for being mad though, couldn't blame him for never wanting to see him again.

He fucked up and he knew it. Even if he decided for himself he won’t see him again, not having the option anymore hurt him a lot, more than he wanted and more than he expected.

The anonymity of the city never felt this good, never this comforting and relieving than in this moment. When tears streamed down his face and nobody wanted to hear if he was okay or not, when nobody would give him advice and their opinion. 

Passengers kept bumping into him, annoyed mumbling scratched his ear but he couldn't mind them much as he made his way in the direction of the tube. He felt so lost and lonely. He wished to be at home right now without having to take the crowded tube but home would make his thoughts yell at him without being able to calm them down. 

He sighed deeply, stopping in his tracks right on the sidewalk to the annoyance from some others before he pulled out his phone with shaking hands. He had some messages. Jinyoung already asked him how it was and that he should take care on his way home. He swallowed heavily as he pressed the dial bottom and lifted the device against his ear, his throat getting tighter with every ringing sound. 

“Youngjae?” Jinyoung asked sleepily and he could hear Yugyeom’s whining in the background which made him feel even worse to call his friend at such an unholy hour. But he needed a shoulder to lean on, he needed his friends' advice and he needed a long and warm hug even if he wasn't sure if he deserved it. 

Jinyoung’s voice found the way in his mind again, asking him if he was alright if he needed help and his worry was just so perceptible, making his heart hurt even more.

“Jinyoung…” he bought out between hiccups and heavy sobbs, his friend's warm voice made it unbearable for him to hold back his tears any longer. “I...I …. I didn’t want that…” his voice was barely audible, the tears and hiccups made it hard for Jinyoung to understand but Youngjae knew he did anyway. He always did, always understood no matter what. 

His heart clenched heavily as he heard the rustling, heard how the other looked for his pants and purse, his legs going weak, unable to hold him up any longer as he sat down on the bench with shaking legs. At least he had his friends. 

“I’m on my way Youngjae…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm always happy about helpful criticism or a nice comment.
> 
> anyway thank you for reading 🌼


	3. until the end // snowflakes and new beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uff, I'm pretty happy I could finally finish this piece and end my 2020 without feeling bad about the missing update and end anymore.  
> I kinda regret that I made this one so angsty since I still think it’s one of the hottest things I ever wrote and it ruined the story a little? IDK  
> But a happy ending right from the start would have been too easy as well.  
> Maybe it's also a little dramatic but I wrote most of it while listening to love-drenched Christmas songs so that's my excuse  
> Anyway, I still hope someone still enjoyed this story. 
> 
> Stay healthy and see you all next year.

It was another cold day in the middle of winter as he took the small path of the ally which would lead directly in front of the atelier which hadn't left his mind since he ran out of the place weeks ago. An ice-cold shower ran down his spine, making him shiver even if he was dressed in a warm and cozy coat that reached nearly his ankles. He pulled the coat closer around his chest and buried his face into his brown striped scarf even if he knew it wouldn’t help to get rid of the freezing feeling in his chest and body. His breath left traces of small clouds in the air as he was breathing into his hands to warm them up a little. Unfortunately, his hand shoes were still at home, forgotten on his floor shelf as he left his flat totally lost in thoughts. Maybe he should go back home since it was pretty cold outside but Youngjae knew it was just a lame excuse to leave this place again.

The ginkgo trees were empty by now, without any golden leaves left on the barren branches which were blown away from the cold and icy wind. The scenery looked just as gloomy as Youngjae felt for days now but at least the sky wasn't as gray as any other days as in the past few weeks, which made the time outside a little more pleasant. As much as he loved the snow and a clear blue sky on winter days, he struggled a lot with the freezing temperatures here in Korea. 

Little fluffy clouds drew dots of white over the nearly clear sky, leaving little stripes of color on the blue horizon. It was just perfect and the way he loved it, usually he would spend minutes gazing up into the air and take pictures here and there but honestly today he couldn’t find joy in it at all. And today's shining sun should make his body feel warm and fuzzy but still, he felt so cold and empty inside. Cold from the memories of the night he had spent here and from the mistakes he made due to his anxious mind. 

His mind was still filled with flashbacks of these shared hours and whenever Youngjae closed his lids at night, pictures of him and Jaebeom kept flashing in front of his pinner eye. No matter how much he tried to think of something else to distract himself, he failed every time, and it just became harder to ignore the other and the heart-wrecking thoughts about him. His perfectly curved lips, his warm eyes, the way his hands and fingertips traced over his body. The way he felt and tasted, all of these were deeply ingrained in his mind, and yet, he wasn’t even sure why Jaebeom had such a strong impact on him when they barely knew each other.

He sighed deeply as he rubbed his tired eyes, dark circles made it obvious that he hadn’t had a good night of sleep for ages. It was always like that. Bad decisions ate him up from the inside, and even more when he hurt someone with his actions. Even in his childhood times, his whole body had been reacting like this whenever he behaved rudely to one of his classmates, his friends, or worse his parents. Sleepless nights, stomach aches or the feeling of being the worst person made him actually believe at some point that feeling physically ill like that was the punishment for his actions which he deserved and had to go through until he apologized or the memories had faded.

He hated this side of it and this time it was pretty worse. There wasn't a day where he didn't think of Jaebeom or where he couldn't push away the things that went wrong and how it could be different if he hadn't reacted the way he did. But the glass was broken now, or more their hearts. He wasn't even sure if Jaebeom thought about him anymore or about what happened as much as he did. But it just made him feel worse to think Jaebeom was still hurt by the things he did. 

He had tried so hard to be a good human being since he left school years ago and since he became an adult who became more aware of his actions and he couldn't forgive himself when he failed his own high set standard. Never again he wanted to be a bad guy and now, he made the other feel worthless or even worse, like a whore. But he was just a human being like everyone else. He made mistakes and wrong decisions like everyone else on this planet, it was just hard for him to accept the fact that he was not always the good person he wanted to be. 

The night as it had happened, Jinyoung and he had talked until the sun was rising again. He could still remember the way the uprising sun had sparkled golden and red like fire on the firmament but as the night had passed, he felt like the ability to appreciate the things that made him happy had left his body.  
He had cried his heart and eyes out in Jinyoung's arms and usually it helped Youngjae to feel better but this time it was no help at all, at least not to make his heart feel less heavy. Jinyoung never judged him, he was the only one he could trust with his whole heart but even Youngjae knew that Jinyoung was a little confused by his actions the moment Youngjae had looked into his warm coffee brown eyes. 

But even with his best friend, it took Youngjae some time to finally confess about the sleepless nights and the countless amount of moments he saw Jaebeom somewhere in crowded places without him actually being there. Even in his fantasies at night he saw him, he could feel Jaebeom hugging him tightly and he wasn't sure if it was because of the heavy feeling of remorse or if it was because his body and soul longed to be with him, craving to feel the warmth of his body again. It nearly drove him crazy, it was pure torture for him and his mind. And he knew, even with what he did, he didn’t deserve to be tantalized like this. 

Youngjae wasn't sure why his mind kept asking over and over again if they would have had a future together, plaguing him with 'what if's’ that were totally unnecessary to think about. It was probably just his bad conscience anyway and not the wish for them to start over new or something. His mind just tricked him and made him be attached to the thought of the wasted chance since he was looking for love and being loved for such a long time by now, that’s how he tried to explain his illogical behavior to himself. But he couldn't deny, also his heart was also filled with the question if they would have had a chance together and if there would have been a ‘and they lived happily until the end’. 

He didn't even spend a thought on being forgiven. He wasn't that foolish to believe in that even if he loved fairy tales but he wished to know how things would have been yet if the night would have ended differently. Even if it wouldn't change a thing about his remorse regarding his behavior, he just wanted to know definitely and believed strongly that their story had ended after a few dates anyway. And that's what kept hurting him the most, the slight possibility of him being finally happy with someone else even if it was hard to imagine for him. But he would never find out. Youngjae should live with that and not linger in these thoughts any longer. Yet he couldn’t stop to dive into these kinds of thoughts that pulled him down into a spiral of anger and sadness.

Youngjae knew it would happen at some point, he was pretty aware of it when Jinyoung was watching over him with worried eyes. It just took his best friend longer than Youngjae had expected until Jinyoung finally snapped and spoke with him a little more firmly than he used to do and told him to speak with Jaebeom in order to clarify their misunderstanding. When he was in a bad mood he was the worst to hang out with and Jinyoung clung to him whenever he could, knowing how much Youngjae needed distraction and he was more than grateful whenever they spent time together and Youngjae could forget about the other at least for some hours.

Still, he knew Jinyoung wanted them to talk. Especially after Jinyoung had tried to pick up the cup for him but Jaebeom had refused to give the pottery thing out as if it was a precious thing just Youngjae was allowed to receive personally. Also, at least in Jinyoung's opinion, Jaebeom had looked pretty disappointed, making Youngjae wonder if there was a chance Jaebeom had changed his mind about Youngjae never coming back into the atelier. It wasn't like he was keen to get the cup which would hold so many memories but of course, his mind kept asking if Jaebeom wanted to see him again or if it was just because the cup wasn't finished or worse would never be. 

Youngjae knew he had to apologize, even if it wouldn't help them to fix their hearts but Jaebeom deserves an explanation and an apology no matter what. But he wasn't even exactly sure if Jaebeom wanted to see him ever again since he made his point clear enough this time. The words still echoed painfully clear through his mind whenever he came near the hidden place in Itaewon. Honestly he envied everyone who could get on with their life without thinking much about other’s feelings but in the end, Youngjae knew he would never be this kind of person. He was too soft and too kind-hearted to be like this. 

Today wasn't the first time he tried to come here again. There were countless occasions in which he walked up the little hill and nearly took the path through the small alley which was framed with ginkgo trees at both sides. But whenever he had to turn left to take the little side path, his courage had left his body which made him feel less and confident with every try that passed. And everything that remained on the way back home, was the heavyweight on his chest whenever he thought about the other. 

The letter he wrote was resting heavily in his hand. It felt like a huge stone even if it was just a little gram of paper that barely weight a bit. He knew it was a little cowardly not to face Jaebeom and never get to see or hear Jaebeom's reaction to it nor would he probably get over it like this but it was still easier to leave a letter in the post box than having to say these words out loud. In the end, both of them would get over it someday but it didn't help that his school kids asked him when they would visit the nice panting guy again. It's not like he didn't check if there were other possibilities to do pottery but these kids insisted going only to him no matter how much he promised them others had cute animals as well. 

Youngjae shook his head and bit his lip as he read the red-painted words 'Closed' at the window sign on the door. It seemed like fate told him to drop the handwritten letter and then to leave without coming here ever again as well. It was just so hard to move, to place one step in front of another to reach the post box when he wanted to see the other so bad again. The letter would be their end, would hopefully erase all the remorse and memories he still held in his heart of the other. But even with all the pain, he would miss feeling Jaebeom's arms around himself whenever he closed his eyes. It was just imagined warmth and intimacy that he felt but it was better than nothing at all, at least at the moment as he felt so painfully alone. 

His hand sank down again, the letter nearly slipping out of his hand as the tension left his body when he gave up to deliver the letter for at least today. Next time. Next time he would be braver. Next time he would face his problems and would get rid of them, Youngjae was sure about it, just like so many other times before. He sighed again as he turned around, at least this time he came further than before so it was a little win for him as well. Usually, he changed his mind earlier and just went the hill further up and ended up in a little coffee shop where he sat there for at least an hour, staring out of the window while his head was blank and calm for at least once a day. 

The air was so clear and refreshing due to the cold season but it still felt so hard to breathe freely. Youngjae looked up to face the way back out of the suffocating road which made it so hard for him to breathe, the warmth of the air out of his lungs wavering in front of him with every movement of his chest. His breath stopped immediately as he noticed the man who tortured Youngjae with his warm embrace in his dreams, standing there right in front of him so clear and not just appearing in his tired mind at night. The color left his already pale face completely, his hands becoming sweaty instantly as he just stared at the man in front of him. 

Jaebeom was wearing old worn-out slippers paired with white tennis socks, and with everyone else, he would just shake his head and raise his eyebrow but Jaebeom made it look acceptable. The black sweatpants hang loosely around Jaebeom’s toned legs, at least from his memories he remembered them to be strong and well defined. A plain white shirt was hiding his upper body while a black and warm looking coat framed his body and played around his wide shoulders. Never in the world would he look after Jaebeom if he had met him randomly on a busy street but since he knew his pretty mind and saw him in another light before, he found him even now, more than attractive. 

Youngjae could see the dark stubbles blooming on Jaebeom's chin and over his lips, making him still look prettier than every man he ever let his eyes roam over, even when he was unshaven and his hair totally tousled from the frosting breeze. Youngjae would freak out over the cuteness of the rosy burning cheeks and his fluffy hair if the situation wouldn't be the way it was. But the worst part in seeing him again was that his heart skipped a stupid beat as they locked eyes with each other, robbing the air out of his lungs as he felt the familiar feeling of intimacy. 

Youngjae's eyes flicked over the boy in front of him, soaking in every second and millimeter he could capture. A glowing cigarette was resting in Jaebeom's hand, a white stripe of dust floating into the cold winter air as the stub became smaller and smaller on its own. The disgusting scent found the way into his nose as a breeze captured the smell and brought it over to him, making him snap out of his daze with the scratching feeling in his throat. He hated cigarettes so much, the smell was just something Youngjae could never get used to but still, it wasn't a reason for his mind to stop seeing Jaebeom as a possible partner to live together with. Honestly, it should be another reason for his mind to stop imagining all these things with Jaebeom but his damn mind had another plan as it seemed. It was just so irrational for Youngjae to see so much in a person he spent just a short night with and that’s what made him wonder even more if his mind was still in the right place.

He could swear for a second the corners of Jaebeoms lips shot up into a tiny little smile but as soon as he blinked and opened his eyes again, it faded and Jaebeom just stood there, staring at him, his face twisted into something Youngjae couldn't read. He tried to smile but all of his attempts were painfully in vain as he was just staring into the blank and motionless face across from him. His mind was running wild, debating if it was just his mind that tricked him with the smile or if it was real. But whatever it was it gave him at least a little strength to open his mouth in another attempt to speak.

"Hey…" he breathed out heavily, his voice already shaking even if his lips had just spilled this single word but still, it was so hard to bring it out. And he didn't want to know how hard the rest would be then. Should he just give Jaebeom the letter and leave? But now Youngjae had the chance to free his mind from the words and the pain, so he should take the chance. Yet Youngjae still felt frozen like the icicles on the rain gutter and even if his lips moved, not a single word found the way out. 

His gaze wandered to the heavy looking bag in Jaebeoms hand. It was filled with spring onions and carrots and other fresh ingredients for a tasty meal and he couldn't help but picture Jaebeom with someone else, gazing at each other with love and affection. He felt like an intruder, like a time-waster again and it was just harder for him to breathe properly. It’s not like he knew for sure or that he would ever find out but he hated his mind again for imagining things that probably weren’t true just to make his vision blurry. 

"I guess I have bad timing…" he whispered and he couldn’t be sure if Jaebeom could understand his words due to the wide space between them. "I guess I will just give you this letter then… If it's okay…" he said a little louder, his voice already shaking with fear of rejection. Youngjae took a step closer, tears were already brimming in his eyes but he tried to suppress them as best as he could, blinking them away as his vision became blurry. It was just a letter and not a big deal yet it was so difficult to finish the task.

Youngjae's heart was beating faster in his chest as Jaebeom reached out for the letter, his body felt hot and cold at the same time and his head just felt dizzy while everything felt like it would happen in slow motion. He knew pretty sure that his hand was shaking and Jaebeom noticed it probably as well but he couldn't care less at this moment. Of course, he was nervous. It was a very uncomfortable and nerve-wracking situation and it wasn’t predictable how Jaebeom would react to all of this. Now he wished he hadn’t wasted so much time in standing there without delivering the letter. If he would have been faster he wouldn’t have met Jaebeom again which now seemed better than having to face him personally.

He felt like he would vomit at any second and his throat became dry as Jaebeom let his arm down again, looking at him with a painful expression. Why couldn’t he just take the damn letter so they could get over it? Anger rose in his chest and mixed with the tension in his body it made him feel sick to the bones.

"No, you know what… it's not okay. I don't want your apology like this, I want to hear it from you and not in a letter where I can't respond." Jaebeom's voice was just as shaky as his own, his anger disappearing as fast as it came to make room to feel how his whole body was aching to wrap him into a tight hug to make everything less painful for both of them. But maybe it would just make the situation worse. Running away seemed like a good option but even if his legs would listen to him, he knew it wouldn’t make his heart less heavy afterward.

Youngjae's mind went blank even when he had thought about his words so many times at home but now, as he was searching for the right way to start his apology he couldn’t get a decent sentence formed. "I…" he said, his palms sweaty but cold as his mind was running around to find some words now that he had the chance for it. "I thought so many times about what I want to say but now I don’t know where to start…" he mumbled before he finally looked up into Jaebeom's eyes. His brown orbs were focused on him and it made him even more insecure about his words. The nerves in his neck started to hurt, being tense like hell which made the headache rise under his forehead. 

"I have time…". Jaebeom's voice was even colder than the weather and it made goosebumps rise on his body. He just wanted to run away, to forget about the whole situation and never think about it again. But he knew he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried. 

"Jaebeom… I'm sorry… I know there won't be enough words to tell you how sorry I am but…" he bowed his head as far as he could, hoping it would somehow be enough for the other to let him go, even if he knew it would never be enough for him if he was in Jaebeom's place. But he wanted to go home so bad, wanted to take a burning hot shower which would hopefully wash everything that made him feel sick away, the thoughts of Jaebeom included.

Jaebeom just snorted scornfully and walked past Youngjae with quick steps and Youngjae’s heart was just painfully breaking in his chest. "Jaebeom wait…" he brought out heavily, his bottom lip trembling while tears made his vision blurry. He reached out to grab his arm but Jaebeom snatched his arm out of Youngjae’s grip. It felt like a slap in the face but what else did he expect for him to do. He would react probably just the same.

"You hurt me so much, Youngjae and it still does whenever I think about you, whenever I see your fucking cup, or just when I look at this damn sofa. I tried so hard to forget about it but it still hurts. I really thought there could be something between us, I wished it so much but you…"

Jaebeom's words were like another punch in his already hurting stomach and he couldn't stop the tears anymore from running down his cheeks.  
"Me too… me too Jaebeom…". His voice was barely understandable between his sobbing hiccups. "I'm so sorry Jaebeom…". 

Jaebeom buried his face behind his hands and Youngjae could see his trembling shoulders. He was crying as well, his heart feeling even heavier before. Why were both of them so sensitive? Couldn’t they get over it like other people would handle this situation? But maybe they were more similar than he thought.

"My friends told me to listen to your side of the story…" Jaebeom said after some time, his shoulders weren't shaking from his sobbing anymore after he had collected himself enough to speak again. "So please tell me why…" he said, his voice nearly pleading for an answer as if it would dissolve anything between them and as if it would change a thing or would make their hearts whole again. 

"I don't know what went into me back then…" he gave back while he shook his head slowly, the wetness of his cheeks burning on his skin as the cold frost crept into his tear covered face. "I felt like I wasted your time… and your work…. I saw how much effort you put into your job and how much love you give in to the things you create and I felt like at least I have to give you something to appreciate the time you wasted on me to create something meaningful with me Jaebeom. It was never about the sex, at least not for me. I just wanted to pay the debts I made when I wasted your working time or your supplies. It sounds so dumb I know and I don't expect you to understand my way of thinking but I swear it wasn't about the sex, please believe me at least there". 

"My friends tried to tell me the same… but It's so hard for me to understand… when you weren't the first one that acted that way," he confessed, tears creeping into his already red eyes again. "I knew it the moment I kissed you that it wasn’t the best thing to do on the first day we met. I knew we should get to know each other better and see if we are on the same page but you were just so… so beautiful and I wanted to kiss you so badly, wanted to feel you… and I thought you would feel the same for me but I guess I was wrong". 

Jaebeom's cheeks were painted in a rosy color by now and Youngjae just wanted to hug him even more. He wanted to make him, them, forget about everything that happened. Why couldn't he see sooner that he was just afraid of new commitment back then and couldn't give them a chance? Maybe he should have stopped Jaebeom as soon as they had kissed but there was no way to deny that he wanted it just as much as Jaebeom.

"No, you weren’t wrong… it’s just…. I'm so sorry Jaebeom… I know there is no excuse and I don't expect you to forgive me but I want you to know that you are a wonderful person, and you deserve to be loved by someone who doesn't hurt you, who treats you the way you deserve it."

He was about to reach out for Jaebeom to hug him tightly but pulled away quickly as if he had burned himself on him. His heart wouldn’t take another time of Jaebeom backing away from his touch.

"I just wished it had been me…" he whispered quietly, Youngjae wasn't sure if he wanted him to hear his words but it became even more clear for him how much he wished for Jaebeom to smile and to be happy just the way he did when they were together. He could see the warm and gentle smile on his lips in front of his inner eyes. The way his eyes turned into decreased moons made his heart flutter with unwanted affection. Maybe in another life, they would meet in a different and more promising way. Maybe they already did and that’s why he felt so attached to the other now that they found each other in this current universe. He could just hope and wish that none of them would fuck it up, whenever and wherever they would meet again.

"I'm sorry that I was too scared to open up my heart. I thought I'm over my past but it seems like I wasn't. I'm sorry for hurting you with my fear of loving again Jaebeom. If I could go back in time and change something then it would be the way I left you there but I don't regret meeting you." he whispered and his eyes finally found Jaebeom's warm orbs again. He could see the pain in Jaebeom's eyes, he could physically feel it by the way Jaebeom was looking at him, or it was just his own heavy heart, Youngjae wasn't sure nor was he sure about anything he felt since they met. 

He had to tear his gaze away, he wasn't able to take Jaebeom's sad eyes even longer when all he wanted to do was to hug him and kiss his tears away. It was quiet between them for a while. Youngjae tried to wipe away the wetness on his cheek to finally go back home since there seemed nothing else left to say but it was still obvious that he had cried or still was. Nevertheless, he couldn't care less what others thought of him when he would be back on the crowded main street. Unfortunately, today he wouldn't be able to hide his tears and hurting eyes in the darkness of the night. "I think it's the best when I leave…" He whispered without looking up, feeling too tired to lift his head. 

His gaze was still focused on the ground as he took a few steps over to Jaebeom. He still wanted to give him the letter, even after the failed attempt to talk about it properly. But there were more things he wanted to let him know, and just because he wasn’t able to let him know about them right now as he lost the ability to find the right words in person, he still wanted to let him know about his thoughts. He had spent so many sleepless nights writing these words out. Countless sheets of paper had found a way into the bin as he had ruined the ink written words with his tears or couldn't finish his apology properly. "Please still take it.. you don't have to read it… I know I have no right to ask for this but please.." he said with one last look up into the warm brown eyes that haunted him so many nights.

Youngjae's heart hitched as he felt the strong arms around his body, the tight hug robbing the air out of his lungs as Jaebeom pulled him just so tightly against his warm chest. He couldn't believe his eyes nor his senses as Jaebeom was suddenly so close to him. But he could smell the cigarette, the well-known perfume, and his natural scent that trickled in his nostrils. He had to gasp for air, nearly forgetting how he had to use his lungs as his mind was completely filled with Jaebeom's unforgettable alluring odor. "Jaebeom…" he breathed out heavily, on the verge of drowning in hot and wet tears again. 

Suddenly, the weather didn’t feel as cold as before anymore and his body sank into itself, his legs too weak to hold him up anymore. It felt like the tenseness left his body completely at once with just this one hug. Tiredness overcame him suddenly as if Jaebeom was the key for his mind to finally relax and to feel calm enough to receive his well-deserved rest. Youngjae knew Jaebeom was the reason for his sleepless nights but he never thought Jaebeom's warm embrace would make him feel so at ease after all the pain he had felt because of him. 

"I'm so sorry you had to suffer so much as well… I wish we had talked sooner…" Jaebeom whispered against his wet cheek with a shaking breath. Youngjae's whole body was hurting so bad, from all the sleepless nights, from the pain in his chest, and the fear of never being so close to Jaebeom which made his whole body tense for weeks. But now he felt like he was able to breathe properly for the first time in ages. 

"It hurts so much to see you like this…" Jaebeom's voice was so close and soaked with so much warmth, it filled his whole body up from head to toe and made goosebumps bloom all over his body. Youngjae's arms were shaking as he slid his limbs around Jaebeom's waist. He felt like crying again as he felt Jaebeom's softness under his fingertips. He probably would, if not every tear he had left in his body had already rolled over his cheek. 

It felt like the world stood still, as if the clouds stopped to dance over the wide blue sky, as if the crows stopped to scream at each other, and as if every heaviness fell off his shoulders. Youngjae wanted to stay like this forever, with his arms around Jaebeom's tiny waist while his face was buried in the soft and strawberry-scented hair. It was like heaven on earth, at least after these exhausting days and nights without being close to him.

A deep and tired sigh left Jaebeom's lips, tickling on the baby hair on Youngjae's cheek as his hot breath wavered over the skin of his cheek. "I guess we both cried enough about this…" Jaebeom mumbled, his voice filled with tenderness and warmth. Youngjae was honestly relieved. He never thought something like this would happen since he had already imagined every possible worst scenario in his head. But a hug and somehow forgiveness had never really been an option since he had forbidden himself to dive into positivity in this case. 

Youngjae's eyes fluttered close as Jaebeom took his face between his palms. Not because he couldn't stand to look into Jaebeom's eyes but because he wanted to enjoy the warmth of his small hands fully. 

"I can't promise you anything and I know the same goes for you since our start wasn't the best… but I want to try to get to know you better… as friends or maybe more but without pressure and with complete honesty this time," Jaebeom said, his voice felt like honey and warm milk as he caressed over Youngjae's cheeks with both of his thumbs. 

Youngjae could just nod, his heart beating like crazy under his ribs as the words soaked into his clouded mind. He knew it wouldn't be easy. He knew how fast arguments could escalate, blaming past mistakes at each other and how much these words out of pant up feelings could hurt. But he wanted to try at least, wanted to give them another chance when Jaebeom gave him hope to believe in them, even if they would just be friends. 

"I would love to try." He whispered, his cheeks still resting in Jaebeom's palms as a wide smile grew on his chapped lips. He was so happy even if the future was still uncertain but at least there was hope, and when it was just to ease their troubled minds. There was hope for Youngjae to prove he was a better person than his past self and there was hope to hold their encounter with a lighter heart and memory than it was until now. 

"There is still a ramen bowl that isn't finished… I couldn't decide for a fitting color and pattern…" Jaebeom said as he loosened the grip around Youngjae's body, looking into his eyes with a more gentle gaze. "But since you have a cup and I have finished ramen bowls… would you like to come in for tea and a warm soup?" Jaebeom asked, his cheeks flushed in a soft red and Youngjae was sure it wasn't just because of the freezing temperature. 

Youngjae honestly had been sure that Jaebeom had thrown away everything that reminded the other of their shared night but knowing he kept these things after everything that happened made his heart melt like an ice cube in the sun. Sure, he wouldn't get his hopes up too high, he wasn't even sure if his feelings for the other would fade after the heavy feeling of remorse became lighter but he was somehow feeling excited about how their story would end or evolve in the future.

He took y last gaze up into the sky. Soft looking clouds bloomed all over the horizon and a smile grew on his face as he noticed the first snow of the year. He loved it when it was snowing since it always brought back happy childhood memories. It always felt like something soft and not something to dislike or hate. When the buildings and every tree was covered in white like candy cotton or sugar glaze, that was his favorite view in winter. His heart felt so at ease, so warm and he couldn’t stop his lips from smiling. A single snowflake found a place on his nose, melting immediately on his warm skin, leaving the tip of his nose a little wet. 

"Are you coming?" Jaebeom asked, his voice a little quiet as he looked at him with worried eyes. He smiled at him and finally found the strength to use his legs properly, walking over to the door Jaebeom held open for him. 

For him, the first snow was something so magical, something that made him happy and filled his heart with pure joy. It always felt like a new beginning, something pure and untouched just like the first footprint on a never touched path. And with Jaebeom it felt like this as well. Sure the road they walked on was dirtied with all pain and the mistakes but now, it felt like a new beginning, something that could make him happy from the bottom of his heart. And he couldn't wait to see both of their footsteps next to each other on the not yet walked road of their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story and maybe leaving a like or a comment.  
> And helpful criticism is always welcomed.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm always happy about helpful criticism or a nice comment.
> 
> anyway thank you for reading 🌼


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